Sub Specie Aeternitatis
by N.Q. Wilder
Summary: Taking place during the events of ME2 and leading up LotSB, a sequel of sorts to "All Things Pass." A story about loss, promises, and love. Complete.
1. Prologue

**If you read the description, then you saw that this is a sequel of sorts to my other story "All Things Pass." Now, I'm a strong supporter of having one's work being able to stand on its own, and you can certainly understand this story if you haven't read the other story. That being said, this story is enhanced if you read "All Things Pass" because I've interwoven themes, ideas, and foreshadowing. They are meant to be taken together, so I would urge you to read "All Things Pass" before you read this. However, the decision is certainly up to you.**

**One last thing to be aware of: this story is not a novelization of the game. The prologue starts after Horizon, but then will jump forward to Illium. My primary concern in this story is the characters and their relationships. Since the game does a nice job of following plot sequentially, I'll let you just play that if you want to know about what happened in-between that time. I will also change events as necessary, though I will not alter the ultimate facts in any way.**

**As always, thanks to those who read and review. I enjoy feedback, both positive and negative. Do not feel concerned about hurting my feelings. If you see something you don't like, let me know.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Prologue**

She wore Alliance blue.

Her armor exhibited a deep, navy blue with white lines to symbolize the colors of the Alliance. From the moment Shepard had awoken, she insisted on wearing the blue and white; she meant to send a message to all of Cerberus that she knew where her loyalties lied and death was not enough to make her forget. She still thought of herself as an Alliance marine.

When she heard that her friend, Chief Williams, was on Horizon, Shepard had donned the blue and white armor yet again, anticipating a chance to not only reconnect with her friend, but also convince the Alliance to help her stop the collectors. Every step forward on the planet was an agonizing search for Ash - hoping to find her while simultaneously worried that she was already too late. Shepard held her breath every time they ran across another colonist, wondering if she would see Ash peering back at her, frozen but safe. Each time she was quickly disappointed. Yet, she pushed on, determined to shoot the collector ship right out of the sky if necessary.

She could admit now that she had been too optimistic from the start. She still had trouble wrapping her brain around the concept that two years had passed without her, when it felt like only a few days. In an odd way, it felt like she was meeting up with Ash after a bit of shore leave, and they would swap stories, joke around, and pick up where they'd left off on their mission to stop the Reapers. In her mind's eye, Shepard pictured seeing Ash again and playfully reciting a line of poetry (something light-hearted perhaps), to which the Chief would laugh and play along, combating with her own line until one of them won the game they had invented. It would be just like old times, and Shepard could pretend that nothing had ever changed. However, her optimism did not last. It could not last.

She'd wanted to smash that mechanic, Delan's, head against the wall when he had the gall to blame the Alliance for the collector attacks. He even had the nerve to blame Ashley. Shepard felt her temper rising to the surface then, a red hot boiling in her blood. She wanted to knock some sense into his ignorant brain, but of course she would never attack an innocent. Maybe a batarian, but not some random idiot who didn't know what he was talking about. So instead, she bit back her anger, tried to suppress her wicked temper, and moved on towards the defense towers.

Then she'd finally found Ash. All thoughts of the poetry game vanished from her mind when she saw the look on Ashley's face. Shepard had stood there, in her blue and white armor, while Ashley called her a traitor - demanded to know why the commander had not contacted her in the last two years. She'd tried to explain that she had been dead, that she had no memory of the last two years. She tried to make her friend understand that she had never turned her back on the Alliance, that at this moment even Cerberus had to be an ally against the Reapers; when all the lives in the galaxy were at stake she couldn't afford to sit on her hands. She wanted the Alliance's help. She wanted Ashley's help. But Chief Williams had turned her back on her, and walked away - and Shepard realized that along with Ashley went the support of the Alliance.

Now she stood in her quarters, staring at a monitor that displayed her armor and its coloring. The majority of her wanted to don the navy blue and white again, and not just symbolically. It had been who she was for so long, her identity felt wrapped up in her image as a N7 marine. Yet, the sting of Ashley's words were still fresh in her mind. Her friend thought that she was a traitor. Her talks with Anderson seemed to confirm that the rest of the Alliance felt the same. They certainly didn't have plans to help her.

Traitors didn't get to wear the blue and white.

Her hands hovered over the controls as she struggled with her new identity. She was no longer part of the Alliance. She refused to be a part of Cerberus. What was her place in all of this? Was she simply alone?

Trembling slightly as she made the adjustments to her armor, Shepard's violet eyes gazed at the all black armor that stared back at her. Sadly, she logged off the terminal and closed her eyes, sighing. She was still coming to terms with the knowledge of all the things she had lost. She wondered if there was any kind of absolution in store for her in the future or if she was destined to lose everything in time.

It occurred to her then what she should have said to Ashley on Horizon. It seemed the only appropriate way for them to part.

_Forgive me forgive me for here where I stand_

_There is no friend beside me no lover at hand_

_No footstep but mine in my desert of sand._


	2. Secrets and Losses

**Gotta love those supporting characters. Oh, and for those up to date on the LotSB info concerning Matriarch Aethyta... well, yeah you'll see. I can't help being overly ironic. I love the drama, what can I say?**

**Again, thanks to those who read and review.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~**

**Secrets and Losses**

Commander Shepard did not get nervous. Or, at least, she did not let it show if she found herself feeling anxious. A good leader never appeared flustered or concerned; a good leader led others with a cool confidence and unwavering drive - a pillar of strength, a tower of reassurance, a figure who seemed untouched by human affairs. She knew this and had honed her leadership skills so that everything about her insisted that she was a capable commander. Her appearance was orderly, clean, and professional. From the slicked back, black hair in a tight, military bun, to the crispness of her uniform and movements, Shepard embodied the image of a leader.

Today, however, she was having difficulty maintaining her composure. Only twice had she thrown the regulations out the window and behaved in a way that could be classified as unprofessional. The first time was when she stole the Normandy from the lockdown on the Citadel in order to travel to Ilos and save the galaxy. Her superiors had understandably forgiven her for that infraction. The second time proved far more personal and had required more from her. It had required her heart. She had decided that her former squad mate, Doctor Liara T'soni, was worth risking her heart for, and they had been a couple until Shepard died aboard the old Normandy.

Since returning to the world of the living, Shepard's primary thoughts were of Liara. She could recall awaking to the shaking of the ship the Lazarus Project had taken place on, feeling nothing but immense soreness and pain, and immediately fearing that something had happened to Liara. Her mind reasoned that if she was injured, then Liara, who was never far from her side, might be injured as well. Instead, she found herself on a strange ship, with a strange woman yelling at her to get her ass moving. Slowly, she remembered the collector ship that had ripped the Normandy to shreds, remembered shoving Joker into the last escape pod and pressing the eject button as a blast sent her careening into a piece of debris. She'd blacked out for a while and regained consciousness to find that her oxygen tank had been breached and she was suffocating. While asphyxiation was not a memory she wanted to relive, she distinctly remembered wondering if Liara had made it off the ship safely, before she blacked out again.

"Commander," came EDI's electronic voice from the corner of the captain's quarters, "we will be arriving at Illium in 10 minutes. Mr. Vakarian and Ms. Tali'Zorah vas Neema are waiting for you near the cockpit as you requested."

Jarred out of her thoughts, Shepard fastened the last piece of her armor to her right arm before saying, "Thank you, EDI. Tell them I'll be there soon."

"Of course, Commander." There was a slight pause before the AI added, "Good luck, Shepard."

The comment surprised Shepard, though perhaps not as much as she would have liked. She'd suspected that Cerberus had a detailed file about her life, with which Miranda, Kelly, and EDI were all familiar. It would not be surprising, however, if everyone on the ship knew about her service record or even her pre-service record. Her life on Mindoir had been as well documented as any other person's life, and the Alliance kept copious amounts of paperwork on each soldier. What surprised her was that Cerberus seemed well aware of her relationship with Liara - even going so far as to provide a photograph of the asari on her desk in her quarters. No one in the Alliance knew about that. She was positive of that fact. She would even wager that no one in her former crew even suspected that Liara and she had been a couple. Even Joker, the worst gossip she'd ever encountered, had never had reason to suspect such a thing. So then, how did Cerberus know? That was a question she intended to find an answer to eventually because as far as she knew only she and Liara knew about their relationship.

Pushing those thoughts aside as she entered the elevator, Shepard considered her current plan of action. According to The Illusive Man, Liara was on Illium working as an information broker. A strange choice of career since she had a doctorate in prothean studies. Still, the commander would finally have a chance to see Liara again, and that was all that mattered at the moment - a chance to confirm that Liara was safe.

Yet, the thought of seeing Liara also sent a wave of uneasiness through the dark haired woman. Memories of her previous encounters with the people she cared about plagued her feelings, leaving her with a bitter taste in her mouth. First Ashley had abandoned her, then Anderson, and even Wrex couldn't come with her. Even if Anderson and Wrex were polite about it, the encounters still reminded her of what she had lost: her friends, her old identity, her life. If she lost Liara...

Shaking her head, Shepard refused to acknowledge such a thought. If there was someone she could count on it was Liara. She had to believe that.

When she stepped off the elevator, she walked briskly around the left side of the galaxy map, deliberately avoiding the side where Kelly Chambers, the "psychologist" of the Normandy, worked. Shepard had never liked therapists, especially after Mindoir, and the woman made her uncomfortable. She suspected that Kelly was a glorified spy with a fancy title rather than her assistant, and she had no intention of giving Cerberus any more information about her personal life. It didn't help that Kelly's flirtatious advances struck Shepard as extremely unprofessional, and she had no intention of encouraging the woman.

Finally, she reached the cockpit, where Garrus and Tali stood talking to Joker. She caught only a portion of their conversation. "I'm telling you, you should check it out," Joker was saying. Shepard assumed he was talking about Vaenia, a film he had been trying to convince her to watch as well. "It's a pretty good movie, won awards and all that crap. More importantly, some of the scenes are pretty steamy - Oh, hi, Commander."

Garrus and Tali turned as Shepard strode up to stand beside them and gave Joker a "not this again" look. The pilot grinned and shrugged in a conspiratorial way, as if to imply that he wasn't giving up on his endeavor to get others to watch the film. She couldn't help but smile back, not because of the humor but because she felt more at ease around these three. If there was one thing she was thankful for, it was that at least three of her friends had decided to stick with her throughout this entire mess. Knowing she had people she could trust at her back made going forward easier.

"I'm so excited to see Liara again!" Tali said, placing a hand on Shepard's shoulder. They were all aware by this point that Liara was on Illium; little remained secret on a vessel as small as the Normandy, especially amongst close friends. Tali and Garrus knew that they were accompanying Shepard to see Liara and hopefully recruit her for the mission. The only factor that the pair was unaware of was the extent of Shepard and Liara's history.

Keeping her face appropriately cheerful but also unreadable, Shepard said, "It's been a long time. She'll be surprised to see all three of us I bet."

"Hey, all four of us if you can get her back on the Normandy," Joker interjected. "Plus Chakwas. You guys might go romping about on missions and stuff, but you're not the only ones who want to see Liara again."

Inclining her head in a semi-apologetic manner, Shepard said, "You're right, Joker. All six of us will have to sit down and catch up later."

"Mr. Moreau, we are entering our approach to Illium. Please take the helm," EDI announced suddenly.

Joker rolled his eyes at the AI's comment, but was still eager to turn his seat around and take control of the Normandy. While her friends peered out the windows at the fast-approaching city, Shepard considered, for perhaps the hundredth time, whether she should inform them of her and Liara's relationship. Yet, the main dilemma seemed to be how she could casually bring up such a thing. How could she explain that she and Liara had been a couple right under their own noses? Likely, her friends might see it as a betrayal that she had not been entirely honest with them, but Liara and she had decided to keep it a secret to protect the crew. They didn't want anyone thinking Shepard's command was compromised, or that Liara was getting preferential treatment. Besides, being in a relationship with a crewmember was technically against regulations, and if the crew didn't know about it, then they couldn't be implicated in helping conceal it.

She decided that she would let the situation play out as it would. It was impossible to predict what might happen once they were on Illium. Perhaps she would be able to maintain a relationship with Liara in secret. Perhaps Liara had moved on...

Again, she had to shake that thought from her head. She couldn't think about that possibility. She couldn't lose Liara. Shepard prided herself at being a good tactician; she had plans and backup plans, alternatives at every step of a mission, resourcefulness in abundance. But she didn't have a backup plan for Liara. She couldn't imagine any alternatives.

~.~.~.~.~

Standing outside of Liara's office, Shepard took a deep breath in order to calm her nerves. Tali was too excited to notice, bouncing on the balls of her feet in anticipation of seeing her old friend. Garrus, too, was distracted, observing the surrounding area as if he were memorizing the layout. Shepard was glad that their attentions laid elsewhere because her hand trembled as she pressed the button to open the door.

When they stepped inside, Liara was in the middle of a call, talking to a human in a business suit. They came in at the end of the conversation, just in time to hear, "Have you faced an asari commando unit before? Few humans have. I'll make it simple, either give me the information I need or I'll flay you alive, with my mind." The haunting familiarity of those words sent a chill down Shepard's spine. This person wasn't the Liara she knew. Liara would never say something like that. She refused to believe that this person, with her back to Shepard, was the woman she fell in love with two years ago.

But when the asari turned around, Shepard saw Liara's sapphire blue eyes staring straight at her. She felt her breath catch in her throat as her memories of Liara replaced the concerns those words had raised. The commander forgot where she was or why she was there. Her vision narrowed on Liara and all she could feel was the heavy pounding in her chest. She vaguely heard Liara say something about holding her calls, and then she was walking towards Shepard. All the dark haired woman was aware of was that Liara was standing before her, they had been separated for some length of time - though she couldn't seem to remember exactly how long at the moment - and she wanted her back.

Then Liara was inches from her, looking at her with a familiar expression of affection and longing. She reached out her blue hand and interlaced their fingers and Shepard felt a spark at the contact, prompting her to lean forward and press her lips against Liara's. The softness of those lips was just like she remembered and when she wrapped her free arm around Liara's waist the feel of their bodies pressed together was a comforting familiarity. Her lover's presence filled all of her senses: the taste of her kiss, the feel of Liara's skin, her scent, the sound of a soft hum of pleasure from her chest. Shepard forgot about everything else, including Garrus and Tali. Only the moment was important to her.

But all too quickly Liara pulled away, backing up as if she had made a grave mistake. While her body language took on a defensive posture, her voice remained polite. "Shepard, it is good to see you again."

It felt like a punch to the gut. Shepard fumbled for a response, her temper raging against hurt and confusion. This couldn't happen again. She couldn't lose Liara. That kiss had been real, she was sure. So then, why did Liara pull away so suddenly? She mustn't jump to conclusions, she told herself. There had to be an explanation.

"My sources said you were alive. I had hoped it was true. What brings you to Illium?" Liara eased behind her desk and sat down, gesturing for Shepard to sit in the chair across from her.

For a second, the commander stared blankly at Liara, still stuck on her conflicting emotions. Liara was being so formal, so businesslike, so... professional. That word jolted her brain into overdrive. Liara had picked up the practice of using professionalism as a mask from Shepard. She only did it when it was necessary to hide information, such as their relationship. This was Illium. Information was dangerous. Their relationship was dangerous information, perhaps? If she wanted to protect Liara, she needed to play along.

With such a composed level of calm and politeness that it surprised even herself, Shepard said, "It's been a long time. How have you been, Liara?" She sat, and listened to Liara explain how she had become an information broker. All the while, the commander watched for any sign that Liara was trying to give her a signal or tell her something. Looked for any sign that the way Liara was talking to her right then was a facade, and that she still felt something for the commander. Sometimes, she thought that she saw it, a glimmer of sadness in Liara's eye or a glance at Shepard that lasted just a little too long. But it was suppressed by something else. Anger, hate, revenge. Emotions Shepard was all too familiar with, and ones she knew could twist a person's soul. The look on Liara's face terrified her to the core.

And yet, she'd helped further that goal - a plot to kill the Shadow Broker for reasons Liara would not disclose. She'd hacked terminals, sifted through data, supplied intel and saw firsthand just how obsessed Liara had become. She felt helpless, unsure what else she could do. The desire to help Liara, to protect her, was so overwhelming that she found herself agreeing to whatever the asari wanted. She was being used, and she knew it. She was being used, and she didn't know how to stop it.

And finally, the truth came out. Liara had given her body to Cerberus after rescuing it from the Shadow Broker. Liara's friend... contact... or something along those lines, had been captured. Liara wanted revenge. The pieces fell into place from there. Cerberus and Liara were already well acquainted. Obviously, they had picked up on Liara's feelings for Shepard when she had agreed to retrieve Shepard's body. Liara had known that Shepard was going to be brought back to life. The only person not in the loop, was Shepard.

When they left Liara's office, all Shepard could feel was a hole where her stomach used to be. It felt like someone had taken a shovel and scooped out her insides, throwing everything over the side of the building so that there was no way Shepard could retrieve what she had lost. And for the first time, Shepard truly did not know what to do. This was not a momentary hesitation or an instance of slight indecision. She genuinely had no idea what she should do next. She had no idea why she should keep fighting. She had no idea how she could reclaim all the things she had lost.

Tali and Garrus followed her down the steps, until she couldn't seem to walk straight anymore and stopped, leaning against the wall. They were watching her carefully, obviously struggling between their desire to confront her about the secrets she had kept from them, and their concern for Shepard's apparent state of distress.

Exchanging looks with one another, Garrus finally ventured, "Are you ok, Shepard?"

But Shepard was lost in her own thoughts and didn't hear him. In her mind she ran through a hundred different scenarios of how she might convince Liara to come back to the Normandy with her. As she discovered a flaw with each new plan, her ideas became more and more desperate, and subsequently ridiculous. She was on the verge of considering just dragging Liara back with her kicking and screaming.

When she didn't reply to his question, Garrus cleared his throat and asked it again, a little bit louder. Shepard blinked rapidly as she realized that she wasn't alone and her squad was witnessing her moment of weakness. Hastily straightening and putting on her best self-assured face, she answered, "I'm fine. I need to think about our next move. Go back to the ship. I'll be there shortly."

The turian gave her a skeptical look and Tali wrung her hands while shifting her weight from one leg to the other uncomfortably. "Shepard," Garrus said carefully, "maybe we should come with you and talk."

Narrowing her eyes, Shepard snapped, "It's Commander. And I gave you an order. Go back to the ship." Part of her knew that she shouldn't snap at her friends like that, but it felt good at the moment. All she wanted was to be alone for a while. Her rising temper only made it more imperative that she not be surrounded by others.

Tali and Garrus exchanged looks again, but didn't say anything. Slowly, they walked towards the docking bay, leaving Shepard standing on the trading floor. When they were out of sight, the commander started walking the opposite direction, not sure where she was headed, and not caring.

~.~.~.~.~

Later, she found herself sitting at a bar on Illium, fingers wrapped around a shot glass of vodka that she had not even bothered to sip. Her thinking had brought her to two conclusions. First, Liara was in danger, both from the Shadow Broker and herself. The Shadow Broker was a powerful figure and not someone to take lightly. Liara had let herself be consumed by revenge, and she was so deep into her desire for retribution that she had given up much of herself to obtain it. Shepard knew the lure of revenge; she still could not look at a batarian without wanting to lash out for the murder of her family. She knew how it caused her to become single-minded, made her do things she could normally never even consider. As it stood now, Shepard had no place in Liara's life unless she could help her achieve her revenge. But if Shepard helped Liara walk down this dark path, there was no guarantee that Liara could ever be the same innocent woman again.

The second thing she concluded was that there was no way to inform Liara of the first conclusion, at least not through normal means. Since anything could be recorded on Illium, speaking to her about it was not an option. Sending a message from her terminal would also be traced by Cerberus, probably the Shadow Broker, and who knew who else. Writing a message and transcribing it to an OSD or datapad was also risky. Anything electronic could be retrieved by a hacker or someone with sufficient tech skills. But she couldn't leave their relationship the way it stood now. She needed some kind of closure.

The bartender, who had introduced herself earlier as both a matriarch and half krogan - which normally Shepard would have found fascinating - came over and glanced at the still full glass of liquor. Shaking her head, she said, "You going to actually drink that or did you just get it for decoration?"

Looking up at the asari, Shepard was confused at first, having completely forgotten about the drink. When she realized what the matriarch was talking about, she sighed and shrugged. "At first, I thought I wanted to get drunk. Then I remembered that my tolerance for alcohol is ridiculously high and it just didn't seem worth the effort anymore. Besides, I need to think."

The asari let out a small chuckle. "You have my sympathy then, babe. If you _need_ to think about something, then chances are you probably need a drink something awful."

Shepard couldn't help but grin. "That's probably true. I suppose I can drink to that." Raising the shot glass, she knocked back the drink in one gulp and shuttered at the burning in her throat. But when she set the glass back down she didn't feel any different and sighed again. Tapping a finger on the bar and thinking for a moment, she said, "You've been on Illium a while, haven't you?"

The bartender shrugged. "Sure. I'm no legal expert or anything, but I know my way around the city. I've spent more than your lifetime here, at least."

"If you wanted to get a private message to someone, and you didn't want anyone else to see it or have access to it, how would you do it?"

The asari thought for a moment while simultaneously wiping down the bar in a slow, circular motion. Then she answered, "If the person was also asari, then I would hand-write the message. Hardly anyone writes a physical message anymore. More importantly, few people know how to read a language that's not their own. Everything is converted by machines nowadays. Only other asari would be able to read the message, and if I hand delivered the message to the person I wanted to read it, the chances of it being intercepted would be slim."

Shepard nodded. That made sense. But she and Liara were not the same species, and she had no idea how to write in the asari language. She also doubted that Liara understood English. She felt half tempted to ask the matriarch to transcribe the message for her, but as much as she liked the bartender, she didn't feel ready to trust her with such sensitive information. Plus, she would have to dictate the message, and that conversation could easily be recorded or overheard.

As she thought about how she might write a message for Liara, she noticed a turian take the seat next to hers. She didn't think much of the newcomer until half a second later a quarian took the seat on the other side of her. She glanced at both quickly and saw that Garrus and Tali had joined her at the bar. The three of them sat in silence for a while until Shepard offered, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, Garrus. I shouldn't have lashed out like that."

Her friend just shrugged and said, "I'd already forgotten about it."

She smiled at his forgiveness and said, "I'm sure you both want to talk about what happened back there... about the secret we kept from you."

The matriarch turned her back and busied herself with cleaning some glasses, but it was obvious she could still overhear the conversation.

Garrus said, "We talked about it back on the ship, and we realized -"

"That it kind of makes sense," Tali interjected, finishing the sentence for him. "You two were always close and she was really upset at your funeral..."

"The signs were there," Garrus agreed. "You two always showed up together for those celebrations and political functions after we took down Saren. You also seemed to... ah... disappear at the same time. The only reason we never picked up on it was that you never made a show of it. I don't think I ever saw you holding hands even."

Tali nodded. "And like we said before, we were talking about it, and well... I guess that's not too strange coming from you. I mean, I'm still a little hurt you didn't tell us, but we know that you're a private person and you aren't the type to just announce to everyone that you and Liara were together."

Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard could have sworn that she saw the matriach twitch at the mention of Liara's name. Her back stiffened and she paused in her work for only a second, then she continued on as if she weren't listening at all. The movement was so brief that Shepard couldn't be sure that the bartender wasn't just polishing a spot on the glass.

"What we're trying to say," Garrus stated, "is that you probably should have told us about your relationship two years ago, but we're not angry about it."

Shepard could hardly believe her friends' forgiving natures. She had expected them to feel betrayed and upset, yet they were surprisingly supportive. "Thank you," she said to them. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you before. I hope you believe that it wasn't because we didn't trust you. We just wanted to keep it private. I really appreciate that you guys are so forgiving."

At that, Tali raised one hand to the back of her neck and seemed to look at the floor. Though the visor obscured her face, it seemed obvious that she was slightly embarrassed by something. Garrus cleared his throat and said, "Ah, well, we should probably warn you, we weren't so calm about it when we got back to the ship. We were pretty angry. We may have already told Joker about you and Liara."

Shepard sighed and shook her head, though she couldn't blame them. She had to admit that she was getting off pretty light. "Great," she answered with an edge of sarcasm. "I suppose that means the whole ship will know by the time we get back."

"I'd bet on it," Garrus agreed.

Standing up and stretching, Shepard grumbled, "Well, let's get back then. I might as well get my punishment out of way now. I can't wait to hear what Joker has to say about this."

"Oh, he called you a hypocrite," Tali said as she rose to stand beside Shepard.

"What? Why?" the commander demanded as they started off towards the Normandy.

Garrus chuckled before saying, "He said because you won't watch Vaenia like he told you to, but you're more than happy to act out scenes with Liara."

Shaking her head, Shepard growled, "If he starts spreading stuff like that around the ship, I'm gonna kill his crippled ass."


	3. Promises

**Funny story about this chapter: I wrote this when I was really tired and I thought it would suck when I went back to reread it and that I'd have to scrap it and start over, but I was surprised that aside from an abundance of typos it was in pretty good shape. I was really disgusted with what I had written when I was tired, but later I was fine with it. You'd think it'd be the other way around. Or maybe you think my tired brain was right and this chapter is no good. Feel free to let me know.**

**So anyway, unless you speak latin then you'll be just as confused as Liara about what the last three words (and the title of this story) mean. And I am aware that you can just google it and find out; whether you should is a different matter though. Of course it is up to you. It won't ruin anything I think, but I will reveal the meaning later in the story so I don't plan to keep you in the dark forever. So yeah, basically look it up now and try to figure out what I'm up to, or wait and find out when Liara does. Choice is yours. I just ask that if you do look it up, then please don't post anything about the meaning in a review that other ppl can see. I don't want anyone who wants to be surprised to accidentally get spoiled. If you have a question about the meaning and want me to answer it, just send me a private message and I'll be more than happy to talk about it.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Promises**

Cerberus was good; but she was better. Or, perhaps more importantly, she had two tech experts who were loyal to her and were willing to help her out. The first was one of her best friends, Tali, who Shepard knew she could trust. The other was the salarian genius, Mordin, who she felt confident could keep a secret and would also be willing to help her. She'd thought about asking the enigmatic thief, Kasumi, for help as well, but decided against it when she realized the nosey thief might be inclined to plant her own recording devices in place of Cerberus's.

It was the last day that the Normandy would be docked on Illium and Shepard had come up with a plan. After she had acquired Samara, the asari Justicar, the commander thought back to what the matriarch at the bar had said about hand-writing a message. True, Shepard had not known Samara long, but it seemed apparent that the justicar held honor and loyalty in high esteem. If Samara gave her word that she would be discreet, then Shepard felt inclined to trust her.

With Tali and Mordin trailing her, Shepard entered the observation deck where the justicar spent most of her day meditating. Without turning, Samara said, "Shepard." Then after a slight pause added, "And two others. This is a surprise." The biotic glow that surrounded her faded as she turned her head to look at her guests.

Shepard held a small, brown box under her right arm. Inclining her head to the asari, she said, "Samara, I have a favor to ask of you."

Though Samara hardly ever let her emotions show, she did raise her brows in surprise. "I must admit that I am intrigued. What do you wish to ask me, Shepard?"

"If I dictated a message to you, could you write it down in the asari language for me?" Then after a moment of thought she added, "A private message."

The justicar's gaze drifted from the commander to the two crewmembers standing behind her. Her face showed that she was working through the situation methodically. "And you have brought two tech experts because you think this room is wired with listening devices?" she ventured.

Shepard nodded. "I'm sure the whole ship is bugged by Cerberus. Tali and Mordin will do a sweep of your room to find any hidden devices."

After studying the commander's face, Samara said, "I can see that this is a personal thing for you to ask. I will help you as best I can, Shepard."

With a grateful incline of her head, Shepard said, "Tali, Modrin, do your thing."

The quarian and salarian went to opposite ends of the room and began tapping at their omni-tools, searching. Shepard watched curiously for a while before sitting down next to the asari. Placing the box between them, she lifted the lid to reveal a pad of paper and an ink pen. She'd spent the last few hours thinking about what she would say to Liara - how she could put all of her feelings down in a simple note. Ultimately, she knew that what she could say would be inadequate, but she had to try to say something.

Once Tali and Mordin had finished sweeping the room, they gave Shepard the all clear. Before they left, Shepard pulled Tali aside and added in a hushed voice, "Tell Joker to keep EDI busy." Her friend nodded and left, leaving her alone with Samara. The commander suspected that Joker would be more than happy to oblige her request. Shepard handed the justicar the paper and pen with shaking hands. She had no idea why she was so nervous.

Samara's pale eyes seemed to take in everything at once, examining the expression on Shepard's face with open curiosity. However, she didn't ask any questions; Shepard was thankful for that. Instead she said, "I am ready when you are, Commander."

Shepard took a deep breath and recalled the message she had rehearsed in her head. Choosing to wait a few minutes to make sure Joker had enough time to distract the AI, she had plenty of time to recall the entire message. She spoke slowly and deliberately, pausing so that Samara had a chance to write it all down. "Dear Liara... I know that information is dangerous on Illium and I hope that this note is a safe way to communicate with you. There is a lot I wish I could say, too much to write it all down. I think I understand why you are pushing me away, to protect me. I think that if I were in your place I might do the same thing. I also know that right now..." Her voice caught in her throat at what she was about to say. She had to summon all her willpower to admit it out loud. "I know that right now I have no place in your life. I wish I knew what I could do to change that. All I can think to give you is the same promise I gave you once before. Maybe, after this is done and we aren't fighting anymore... maybe we can figure this out. I promise to come back to you." Her throat felt dry and an unnamable sadness hung in her heart as the final words left her lips. Her promise seemed like so little to offer to Liara, but it was all she could think of to give.

Samara finished writing and looked up at Shepard with a sympathetic expression. Handing the paper and pen back to the commander, she said quietly, "I think she is very lucky to have you, Shepard. I hope she will realize that."

Nodding, because she didn't trust herself to speak, Shepard took the objects and examined what Samara had written. The shapes scrawled on the paper were nothing like any human language Shepard had ever seen. She couldn't even begin to decode their meaning. Frowning, she thought that it seemed as if nothing of herself was present in the note. Sure, the words were hers but the physical message was alien to her.

As if she could read her mind, Samara stated, "You should write your name in your own language and perhaps add something of your own. She will be glad to see something of you on the paper, I think."

The commander's violet eyes stared at the alien writing for a while as she considered what she should add to the message. First, she signed her name below the block of text. Then, her next thought was of the words she had thought, but never actually spoken to Liara. Willing her hand to stop shaking, she wrote _I love you_ at the bottom of the sheet. Yet, she still wanted to say more. Wanted to tell Liara everything that she felt. Seeing the three words printed did not seem adequate; she wanted the words to clearly be from her heart, to be poetic. Finally, with a small smile, she added three more words that expressed the truth. Liara might not be able to read the message that Shepard had written, but at least she could see what was in her heart.

Standing, she thanked Samara for her help and folded the piece of paper, placing it in her pocket. As she went to grab her gear for one final excursion on Illium the words she had written resounded in her head. The words filled her with the knowledge that she refused to lose everything from her old life. No matter the cost, she would get Liara back.

_I love you sub specie aeternitatis._

~.~.~.~.~

Liara did not expect to see Shepard again before the commander left on her mission. She was well aware that the Normandy was scheduled to leave that day, having kept track of the docking records, but she did not think Shepard would stop by to say goodbye. Although the dark haired woman had done a good job at matching Liara's professionalism and matter-of-fact tone during their conversations, the asari had seen the hurt in Shepard's violet eyes when she pulled away from their initial kiss. She couldn't forget the look of loss on the commander's face no matter how hard she tried. But that was the way it had to be. It was for the best.

When Shepard strode into her office unannounced, and alone, Liara hastily rose to her feet in surprise. "Shepard! What are you doing here?" she couldn't help blurting out.

"I wanted to let you know that the Normandy is leaving Illium today," she replied evenly, although she glanced around the room, taking in everything within a few seconds.

"Ah, yes," Liara answered, a little unsure. "I was informed of that. Did you need something before you left?" She knew the words were cold, and the flash of shock on Shepard's face was enough to let her know that the commander had been hurt by those words.

"I just wanted to say goodbye."

"Oh," Liara murmured. "Well, it was good to see you again, Shepard."

To her surprise the commander stood across the desk from her and stuck out her hand for a traditional human handshake. Liara understood that the gesture was extremely formal and usually used with people who either met for the first time or business associates. She hoped that the pain she felt did not flash across her face for Shepard to see this time. She reached out and gripped Shepard's hand while thinking that this was it; Shepard had decided to move on as well. Who they had been, their relationship, was over. It was how she knew it had to be; but then, why did it hurt her so much?

Then, suddenly, she realized that she didn't feel flesh against the palm of her hand. Rather, she felt something thin and flat pressed against her skin while Shepard gave her a quick, meaningful look. Catching on, Liara kept her grip on the object as she pulled her hand away and made sure to close her fist around it in order to hide the note from any recording devices that might be watching.

With a solemn incline of her head, Shepard whispered, "I'll come back, Liara." It sounded like a promise. Not sure what to say, Liara just nodded in response. She watched as the love of her life turned her back and walked out the door.

Once Shepard had gone, Liara slumped down into her chair. Her chest felt suddenly heavy, as if a weight were pressing down on her heart. She could still feel the object in her hand, but dared not look at it in her office. It wouldn't be safe. But she wanted to know. More than anything she wanted to know what Shepard had given her. After some time, she leaned forward and opened her desk drawer, pretending to take out a datapad to read, but simultaneously dropping the object into the drawer. Out of the corner of her eye she saw that it appeared to be a folded piece of paper. As she pretended to read the datapad, she wondered how Shepard might have hand-written a message. As far as Liara knew, Shepard did not speak or write any asari. And if Shepard had written it in the human language, then Liara would have to use a translator to read it, thus making the note too dangerous to decipher; all that effort would be pointless. But she knew Shepard - the commander thought of everything. She would have found a way. Liara would just have to wait and read the message later.

In the meantime, she had to get her mind off the message, so she worked. After a few hours had passed, she decided that it would be safe to leave for the day and return home. As she put her datapads away, she grabbed the piece of paper from the drawer and hid it up her sleeve. On her way back to her apartment she kept lookout for anyone following her or showing too much interest. She did this everyday anyway, but today she had to make sure no one was following her to discover the contents of Shepard's letter. As soon as she entered her apartment she locked the doors and covered the windows.

When she felt confident that she was secure and alone, Liara finally sat on her couch and slipped the paper from her sleeve. Unfolding the message, she noticed immediately that it was written in asari. The handwriting was extremely neat and polished, excellent penmanship by asari standards. Liara at once suspected that Shepard had had the justicar, Samara, transcribe the message for her. She read the letter silently to herself. And then she read it two more times. Each time, she felt more conflicted: Shepard understood why things had to be this way, but she also wasn't giving up on Liara. Part of her heart soared while the other part wished that Shepard would not make this so difficult.

Her fingers brushed the last few words scribbled at the bottom of the sheet. These words were distinctly not asari and were clearly written by Shepard's hand. Liara knew that she couldn't use the extranet to translate the sentence; her search records were likely being watched by not only the Shadow Broker, but several other information brokers on Illium. Still, she recognized the first three words. When she'd first met Shepard and the crew of the Normandy she had made several searches about humans and their culture, trying to fill in the gaps of her knowledge about this young species. She'd browsed their art, music, and literature in an attempt to understand them, and to understand Shepard. The phrase "I love you" was a common one for humans, appearing in several songs and even artwork. The asari equivalent of the phrase held similar importance in their society, so she was not too surprised to see "I love you" used frequently by humans.

But seeing the words now and knowing that Shepard had written them for her made Liara's breath catch in her throat. It wasn't that she thought Shepard didn't love her, but they had never spoken the words to one another before. And Shepard was cautious, prone to being reserved about her feelings; for her to put such a declaration out there while probably uncertain whether Liara even felt the same for her anymore was a risk Shepard normally wouldn't take.

The last three words the commander had written, however, were completely alien to her. She had no idea what they meant, especially when combined with the phrase "I love you." Perhaps the words even negated the first part of the sentence. There was no way to know right then. The only way she could find out their meaning would be to ask Shepard.

With a sad smile, Liara thought to herself that that was probably what Shepard had planned all along.


	4. Sub Specie Humanitatis

**So the format of this chapter is a little bit different than the others. It covers the first half of LotSB, but only shows specific scenes. I don't like novelizations of the game (you can just play the game if you want line by line dialogue after all). So I skipped any scenes that I didn't plan to alter and chose ones that I wanted to expand, change, or poke fun at. I only use a few lines from the game and only briefly since it wasn't worth skipping that small section. If you're like me, then hopefully you won't find those lines too boring and you can understand why I went ahead and included them. The rest of the content is tailored towards this particular Shep and her relationship with Liara. Like always, I may change Shep's reaction and how certain scenes play out (i.e. Vasir ****-**** god, it was so obvious that she was evil), but I never alter canon facts of what happened in the game.**

**Real quick: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I'm glad to know that people who enjoyed "All Thing Pass" are sticking around to see what happens in this story. I enjoyed all the flattering comments (who doesn't, right?), and if anyone has constructive criticism I would be more than happy to hear it as well. Any and all feedback is appreciated.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Sub Specie Humanitatis**

Shepard read the email twice, then pinched herself just to make sure it was real. After muttering a harsh "Ow!" as she sank her nails into the skin of her forearm, and attracting a curious glance from the yeoman, the commander decided that the email was legitimate. Her next thought was: what did Cerberus have to gain from this? She doubted that The Illusive Man would just pass along vital information regarding the Shadow Broker out of the goodness of his heart. Did he hope that Shepard would kill the Shadow Broker, thus eliminating the most powerful competitor in the information business? Was he trying to get on her good side by giving her a reason to reunite with Liara?

Shaking her head, Shepard realized that she didn't really care. Whatever his reasons, she was more than happy to play along this time. Liara was stuck on revenge, there was nothing Shepard could do but help her complete her quest for vengeance. She would ensure that Liara was safe, and when this was all over then maybe she would have a place in Liara's life again.

Pressing a finger against the intercom button at her terminal, she said, "Hey, Joker, I need you to set a course for Illium."

When his voice answered back there was a notably sarcastic quality to it. "Oh wow, Commander, I'm surprised you even asked. You probably should have just waited till I was off duty to change our course so that you could meet with Liara in secret. You know, since that's what you prefer to do and all."

Shepard rolled her eyes, but otherwise didn't give any sign that the words bothered her. He'd been cracking jokes like that ever since Garrus and Tali told him the truth. As long as none of them were angry with her for the deception she figured she'd let him have his laugh. "Ha ha, very funny, Joker," she said with a sigh before releasing the button. Now she had to gather Garrus and Tali and tell them about the information The Illusive Man had passed on. There was no one else she would rather have on this mission with her.

As she headed towards the elevator, Kelly called after her. "Commander? Could I have a moment of your time?"

Stopping and grinding her teeth, Shepard tried to plaster a neutral expression on her face before walking back over to the yeoman. She hated that the woman already had access to her emails and personal files, not to mention that she had been ordered to analyze Shepard's behavior for Cerberus. What really irked the commander though, was that Kelly insisted on asking personal questions that she had not earned the right to ask. Shepard was not the type of person to be forthcoming with private information, especially to individuals she hardly knew.

"What is it, Ms. Chambers?" she asked.

"I overheard your conversation with Joker," she began. Shepard noted that the woman chose not to mention that she had also read the email The Illusive Man had sent. _What a pointless lie of omission_, Shepard thought. _We both know that you are familiar with my messages and my relationship with Liara_. "I thought I should ask about - well, are you planning to visit Dr. T'soni?"

_You know the answer to that. If you can't ask me directly, then don't expect a direct answer._ "Perhaps."

The red headed woman frowned. "I know your last meeting with Dr. T'soni didn't go very well. Are you nervous about seeing her again?"

Trying to suppress her irritation, Shepard shifted her gaze away from the yeoman and stared at a bolt on the far wall. She couldn't bite back her harsh reply though. "You know, I'd really like to read the report you wrote for The Illusive Man after our last visit to Illium. I'm sure you had all kinds of things to say about why I chose to keep my personal life _personal_. Perhaps I'm harboring psychological problems from Mindoir?" She returned her gaze to the woman to see that her face had gone rather pale and she looked stricken. Though Shepard was normally brusque with the yeoman she had never called her out on her spying. While it felt good to put Kelly on the spot, the commander also had to kick herself for getting defensive. It only gave the woman more to analyze. Sighing, she said, "I should go." She walked back to the elevator and this time Kelly didn't stop her.

~.~.~.~.~

Vasir. The asari commando claimed to be a spectre and investigating the assassination attempt on Liara. Shepard couldn't shake a feeling of unease about the woman. As the cops scurried out of the apartment at the spectre's order, Shepard looked around, studying the room. A few prothean artifacts were on display, but the place did not feel particularly like Liara. It seemed as if her old lover rarely spent time here at all. Likely, she spent more time in her office.

Stalking towards her with a cat-like grace, Vasir examined the commander with dark green eyes. Both women openly sized one another up, noting apparent weaknesses and plotting tactics in case a fire-fight broke out.

Shepard said, "What's the situation?"

"Someone took a shot at your friend, T'soni, but missed. However, T'soni stuck around for nearly fifteen minutes before escaping, so whatever she was doing must have been important. I don't know where she is now though."

"Liara was expecting me. She probably left a message for me. I'll take it from here, Vasir." Shepard stood aside so the other spectre could access the door, but to her disappointment Vasir didn't budge.

"Not so fast, Commander," she replied with forced diplomacy. "This is my investigation. T'soni had information on the Shadow Broker, and I'm also working against the Broker in the interest of the council. Now, if you want to help me out that's fine - I won't turn down the help of one of our best agents - but this is still my show and I took it over from the Illium police. If you don't want to work with me, then I can step down, but then you'll have to work with the police on this one."

Shepard ground her teeth as she considered her options. She didn't like trusting Vasir, especially when Liara's safety was at stake, but she knew that working with the police would mean being bogged down with bureaucracy. Forcefully kicking Vasir off this mission was an option, but perhaps not the wisest in the long run since Shepard's relationship with the council was shaky at best anyway. She didn't need to burn bridges with them. That left working with the spectre. At least she could keep an eye on her that way.

"Fine, I'll play along," Shepard answered, but with her tone of voice she tried to imply, _Just remember what happened to the last spectre who crossed me._

~.~.~.~.~

"Get in the car," Liara shouted, jumping into the passenger seat. "She's getting away!" Only seconds before, Vasir had sped off after betraying and trying to kill them. Still feeling the jolt of pain from when she had been slammed into the ground by Vasir's biotic throw after grappling with the spectre mid-air, Shepard begrudgingly leapt into the driver's seat.

"I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking," she muttered to Liara sarcastically.

There was one more seat in the back for either Tali or Garrus, who came running up to join them and stopped when they realized one would have to stay behind. Both looked from the empty seat, to Shepard in the driver's seat, and then at one another. Tali wrung her hands nervously and Garrus's mandibles twitched downward as neither made a move towards the car.

At first, Shepard was confused as to why they seemed so suddenly anxious, then Garrus asked, "Uh, you're driving?"

Obviously her friends were thinking about their time spent in the Mako with Shepard. Rolling her eyes, the commander said, "Come on, guys, I'm not that bad of a driver."

Both gave her a skeptical look. Although her head was turned away from Liara, she heard the sudden quick reeling of the seatbelt and the clicking into place. Sighing she added, "Oh for the love of - Garrus, just be a man and get in the god damn car!"

The turian gave Tali a look that said _I wish I was a woman right now,_ and with slumped shoulders hopped into the back seat. Tali looked both relieved that she'd dodged a bullet and sorry for Garrus.

~.~.~.~.~

"You're dead," Vasir spat as she sat against the wall while she bled out. "The Shadow Broker has been in power for decades. He's stronger than anything you've ever faced! Killing me changes nothing!"

Liara had already walked away to analyze the data retrieved from the spectre, but Shepard turned back around and studied the dying woman with no pity in her violet eyes. "Is that what you think, Vasir?" she asked harshly. "You think I killed you because you work for the Shadow Broker? Because I think you betrayed the council? Hell, do you think I killed you for that data?"

The asari looked up at the commander with a confused expression, breathing heavily and wincing from the bullets in her side.

Shepard shook her head. "No, Vasir, I killed you for one very simple reason. You tried to kill the person I care the most about in this galaxy. I killed you for revenge. Don't try to pretend that this was some moral battle. You will die because I want you dead. No one crosses me, Vasir, and no one hurts Liara. Doing so is a death sentence." Wrinkling her nose with disgust, Shepard watched as the woman processed those words. Turning her head to see that Liara had walked off a good distance away, Shepard murmured, "We're done here, Vasir." Then as a quick after thought she added, "I hope you find peace in the embrace of the goddess." Without a backward glance, she stepped away from the spectre's body and headed off after Liara.

Garrus fell into step beside her and slung his sniper rifle onto his back. "What's our next move, Commander?" he asked.

"I need to talk to Liara about that data," she answered, though they both knew she intended to talk about more than just that. "Radio Joker and tell him to send the shuttle to pick us up. That landing pad where we crashed the car should be a good pickup spot," she said with a hint of humor.

"Next time we're in a situation like that again it's Tali's turn to ride with you," he muttered as he marched off to call Joker. Shepard kept on heading towards Liara and reached her just as the asari turned off her omni-tool.

"Vasir's dead," the commander informed her, trying to start on neutral ground before pushing towards what she really wanted to talk about.

"I am putting the data through to the Normandy's computers. We can be at the Shadow Broker's base in a few hours," Liara answered. Then she started heading back in the direction they'd come chasing Vasir. Shepard followed warily. "He will know about Vasir before long," Liara continued. "If he decides to kill Feron..."

Seeing an opportunity to be supportive and show Liara that she understood what she going through, Shepard offered, "We'll get Feron out of there alive, Liara. I promise." She rested a hand on Liara's arm.

But Liara shrugged away from her and continued walking on. With a surprisingly bitter tone she answered, "I know. You are here to help. Just like always."

"That's not a good thing?" Shepard asked, halting their progress. She could already feel the conversation slipping away from where she had wanted to direct it.

Liara stopped as well and turned to face Shepard. "When we first met on Therum, you saved me from the geth. You fought a krogan battlemaster while I cowered. Now you are doing it again. And I am still leaning on you for help."

Put on the defensive, Shepard said, "Liara, you had been trapped for days. You were in no condition to fight. You've saved my ass plenty of times. I want to help you whenever I can."

Liara might have suspected where Shepard was trying to steer the conversation, and she evasively turned back around and started walking again. As if to distract the commander she said, "I can get us there, based on Sekat's data. The Normandy's stealth drive will keep them from detecting us. The Shadow Broker's agents are still shooting their way through Illium. With luck, they won't notice we've left until it is too late."

"That's a little cold, don't you think?" Shepard said harshly, and she didn't just mean leaving the Broker's agents to shoot up Illium; she hardly appreciated the evasive tactic either.

"I have to do whatever it takes to get the Shadow Broker," Liara answered in a low growl.

"You know I don't support that _at all costs_ attitude," Shepard said. This woman didn't sound like the Liara she knew at all. She had never held those beliefs before; she had been the embodiment of the innocence Shepard had lost. "If you're going to do something you need to make sure it's worth it."

Liara looked over her shoulder and rolled her eyes at the commander. "You may be able to get results without sacrificing things, Shepard, but not all of us can. I have had to get my hands dirty while you were gone. You do not know the half of what I have done."

"You could tell me," Shepard offered, trying not to sound threatening.

With a scoff, Liara said, "I already know what you would say. But it is already done. All of it. I cannot take any of it back even if I wanted to."

"I want to listen," Shepard insisted, trying to catch up to the asari, but the woman managed to keep just a step ahead of her. "I want to help you any way I can."

"All I need help with is the Shadow Broker. Nothing else."

"God damn it, Liara! Just talk to me for a minute! Please!" Shepard felt waves of fury surging forth from her mind to her body. The fire of her temper radiated out into her limbs, sparking her to reach out and seize the asari roughly by the bicep and force her to halt. Shepard knew that she had a wicked angry streak; her enemies experienced her wrath on a daily basis; she worked hard to make sure her friend rarely saw it, but now she couldn't hold back the conflagration of her rage. The embers had been in her heart for a long time, and though she tried to smother them, a wisp of smoke always lingered. Now the flames were roaring to life and each evasive maneuver from Liara only served to fan them higher.

The asari looked shocked by the aggressive gesture and glanced down anxiously at Shepard's hand on her arm. If the grip hurt her, she didn't show it. Blue eyes slowly rose to meet the commander's piercing violet, and a frown tugged at the corners of her mouth. "We have to go to the Shadow Broker's liar. Time is of the essence, Shepard." Her tone was level and contradicted the look in her eyes.

"Garrus is calling the Normandy to pick us up now," Shepard answered, trying to swallow back some of her anger. She managed to keep the heat out of her voice, but she maintained the grip on Liara's arm. "We have the location of the base. We'll head there immediately. But we have a few minutes until the shuttle arrives. We need to talk."

"About what?" Liara spat back in an exasperated tone.

"About us." She could feel her face twisting up into a snarl, could feel her fingers digging down into the muscle of Liara's arm. She had to force herself to release the asari before she lost control and accidentally hurt her.

"There is nothing to say about us." Liara raised a hand to her forehead, as if to rub her temple; Shepard found the action infuriating.

"What do you mean, there's nothing to say?" Shepard asked, her mouth hanging open in confusion. "We were a god damn couple, Liara! I thought you -"

Before she could finish that statement, Liara cut in hastily. "It has been two years, Shepard. We are different people. We have moved on."

Her words were like a gust of air that gave the flames in the commander's heart enough fuel to climb up her throat and erupt from her mouth. "What is this _we_?" Shepard demanded, spreading her arms wide as if she could encompass the entire galaxy in their fight. "It's been a couple of months for me. _I_ haven't changed at all, Liara! _You're_ the only one who has changed! Don't act like we just grew apart in some casual way! I'm the same person I was two years ago. You're the one who decided that _we_ moved on!"

Liara jabbed an accusing finger at Shepard and shouted back with equal bitterness. "I watched you die, Shepard! Do you remember that? I had to watch you die because I was keeping my promise that I made to you: following your orders, no matter how suicidal they turned out to be! You expect me to be the same person after that? You expect me to come running back to you and possibly watch you die again?" They stared hard at one another for a long time before Liara averted her eyes and turned her body to lean on the edge of the railing that overlooked the city. When she spoke again her voice was quieter, but the tone carried even more weight than before. "No, I had to move on, Shepard. I cannot do that again."

Liara's words did nothing to abate Shepard's temper. The fire in her blood caused a pounding in her ears and her entire body shook with the force of her rage. After Liara's softening of her voice, Shepard's voice cracked the air like a whip. "Then tell me something: why the hell did you even bother to bring me back? If you didn't want me - if you didn't want someone other than Commander Shepard, Savior of the Citadel, first human spectre, then why go through all the trouble? Are you like Cerberus? You just want me to stop the Reapers? You're hoping I can accomplish a miracle? You're hoping I'll throw myself into the fire so that you can save your own ass?"

Liara recoiled from the words as if she'd been cut. Her blue eyes were pools that reflected just how deeply the words had wounded her. Normally Shepard would have faltered, would have regretted lashing out with words that she didn't even fully believe, but at the moment it felt good. The fire burning through her demanded vengeance, commanded that she purge herself of every, half-thought insecurity.

"Inquiring minds need to know, Liara!" she shouted, raising her arms in a theatrical display. "Why the hell did you bring me back? Was it so that I could get the pleasure of dying twice? I already know what it's like to be blown apart by an explosion and suffocate to death! Maybe this time I'll get my throat slit, or take a bullet and bleed out." The dark haired woman was aware that she was being overly dramatic, but she couldn't stop herself. Liara stared at her wide eyed, and it only prompted her to continue on. Every fiber of her being wanted to rage against Liara, against the galaxy, against her fate. "Or maybe I'll get made into a slave for the Reapers. Wouldn't that be wonderful? So, thank you for bringing me back, Liara. I'm thrilled to see that everything good about my life is gone and everything shitty is still here."

She stood there, breathing heavily, still shaking with fervor. In contradiction, Liara's shoulders were hunched as if she were nursing a chest wound, and she stared at Shepard with an immensely melancholy expression. A tense silence followed, seeming especially poignant next to Shepard's outburst. The lull allowed a little time for Shepard's temper to leech away until the conflagration became a soft fire in her heart. While it prevented her from being able to regret anything she had said, she was able to think more clearly and choose her next words more carefully.

With a deliberate calmness, Shepard said, "Not that long ago I thought my biggest mistake was when I told you that we couldn't be together because our lives were so uncertain. Because I was worried about compromising my command." She paused, taking a slow, deep breath. "Now I look at you and I think that you agree with that statement. And maybe it's all my fault. Maybe I should have stuck to my guns then. And maybe you're mad at me because I took you away from the life you enjoyed, studying the protheans, and threw you into this whole mess and now you can't go back. Maybe it's all my fault, and now I just have to deal with the consequences of my actions."

Liara's face was a mixture of confusion and distress, as if she were torn between disagreeing with Shepard and hearing truth in her words.

"And I won't pretend that I'm not frustrated and angry," Shepard continued. Her shoulders sagged with an invisible weight. "But there's no going back for me either. I gave up running away from you a long time ago. In that note I gave you... I made a promise. I promised to come back to you." She turned her hands palms up and shrugged slightly, as if surrendering everything. "Well, here I am. I kept my promise. And I still love you. Maybe you don't love me anymore, but I can't stop being in love with you."

There were so many facets of expression on Liara's face that Shepard couldn't pick out any particular emotion. She had no idea if her words were making the correct impact on the asari.

Sighing, the commander said, "I just want to say that I'm going to keep my promise. I came back and I'm staying. If that means that I can't be with you, then I'll try to be the friend that you need me to be. It may take me some time to get use to it, but I won't press the issue." With a sad look at Liara, she added, "But I won't stop loving you. I can't. I hope you can forgive me for that."

Another long spell of silence permeated the air. Blue eyes connected with violet ones and the inaudible messages seemed almost apparent between them. At last the silence was broken by Garrus's voice over the radio.

"Commander, the shuttle is here to take us to the Normandy. Joker says we can leave as soon as we arrive."

Putting two fingers to her ear, Shepard answered, "Thank you, Garrus. We're on our way." She cut the connection and gave Liara one last look before walking past her in order to head towards Garrus's location.

"Shepard... I..." Liara's voice called after her.

Shepard turned and studied the troubled features of the woman's face. So much uncertainty. Shaking her head, the commander replied, "Unless you're going to say 'I love you,' there's nothing left to say, Liara." She waited for a response, but Liara remained silent, obviously not able to summon up the words.

After averting her eyes and turning back around, Shepard said, "Let's go. They're waiting for us."


	5. Memories

**Fun fact: I wrote this chapter first. Subsequently it's also the chapter that has undergone the most fine-tuning. It's easily my favorite, at least thus far (what I have in mind for the final ****̶**** or next to last, not sure yet ****̶**** chapter might trump this though; we'll see). The original scene in my head was the flashback actually, and then it got woven into this. I'm pleased with how it turned out and I hope you guys will be too. Also, on a side note, this chapter contains what might be the longest sentence I have ever written. Seriously, it's huge ****̶**** almost an entire paragraph long.**

**This is Liara's turn to have her say in all of this. Does she win any sympathy from you? Do you think she's being stupid? Did you actually hate this chapter? I'd be curious to hear what people think.**

**Now, for a little bit of bad news: we are officially caught up with my buffer, meaning I won't be able to update as quickly. I am almost finished with the next chapter, but I have two more (if not three) to write, edit, proofread, etc. I will do my best to complete those chapters in a timely manner. I have been very touched by some of your comments and in return I don't want to make you guys wait too long.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Memories**

"You look tired. When's the last time you slept? You should rest on our way to the Shadow Broker's base."

The sound of Shepard's voice caused Liara to jump slightly as she felt herself abruptly yanked out of her absentminded haze. Reflexively, she straightened her posture, realizing in the process that she had been resting most of her weight against the side of the transportation vehicle that had taken them to the new Normandy. She, Shepard, and Garrus had boarded via the cargo hold door and Liara stumbled out of the vehicle only to feel overcome with exhaustion and stood aside awkwardly as Shepard and Garrus powered down the machine. Now Shepard stood at Liara's shoulder, a look of concern barely restrained on her face. She reached out a hand, as if to touch Liara, but it hovered uneasily in the air before she hastily lowered it again.

"I will be fine," Liara answered, trying to sound energetic, but knowing that she failed. She knew that Shepard was trying to be the friend she had promised, and nothing more; and they were both struggling to adjust. She deliberately avoided telling the commander that she hadn't slept in at least two days.

Frowning, Shepard said, "We have a couple of hours until we reach Halagaz. You'll take a nap in my quarters."

Liara raised an eyebrow at that, though she regretted it immediately. Her initial thought was of Ilos and the first time she had slept in Shepard's quarters. But, of course, that wasn't what the commander meant; she was just offering Liara a place to sleep.

Shepard must have noticed the expression, however, because she added, "I'll make sure you have complete privacy. I have some things to get done around the ship, so I won't need my office."

_How stupid of me_, Liara thought. _I just made a fool of myself in front of Shepard. And probably offended her too. Great. I__t i__s not like she needs anymore reasons to be angry with me._

Garrus came over to stand beside Shepard, hands behind his back in a distinctly military fashion. Liara supposed that the aggressive stance was for her benefit; he certainly made no effort to hide his critical stare at her. It was clear from his body language throughout the mission that he had recently discovered that Shepard and Liara had a history. Often she caught him studying them as if he were picturing them as a couple, probably wondering how he had never noticed that they were together. _He looks like an overprotective brother_, Liara mused to herself. _Shepard would probably like that. Her brothers used to be overprotective._ She had to suppress a sigh. Why was she thinking about Shepard's personal memories? Wasn't she trying to move on? Thinking of such things just made her even more tired.

Noticing the turian's arrival, Shepard said, "I'm going to check in with Tali while I'm down here and make sure she made it back all right. Garrus, could you show Liara to my quarters and make sure she has whatever she needs?"

Garrus nodded his head. "Sure thing, Shepard."

Turning to Liara, Shepard smiled warmly. "Feel free to dig through my clothes for something to sleep in. I'll warn you though, it's all courtesy of Cerberus, so it all has that damn logo on it. I don't have any attachment to any of it though, so take whatever you want." With an incline of her head, Shepard moved off to a nearby set of stairs and disappeared from sight. Liara watched her go, thinking about their quarrel back on Illium. Shepard had been so angry then - angry and hurt. Now she wore the face of the hospitable host, cool and professional. Liara didn't know if she should smile because it was just like old times, or cry because Shepard only donned that mask around Liara whenever she was trying to hide her feelings.

"Come on, we need to go this way," Garrus said, snapping Liara out of her thoughts. He led her towards the elevator and said, "EDI, we need to go to the commander's quarters."

"Of course, Mr. Vakarian," came an artificial female voice. "One moment please."

Liara gave Garrus a curious look and he shrugged, saying, "Our AI."

The asari didn't know what to make of an AI aboard the Normandy, but then again, Cerberus did build the vessel. Garrus also seemed unperturbed, so obviously there had not been an incident to cause alarm. AI's were illegal under council law, and Shepard was still a spectre, but Cerberus didn't care about breaking the law. Shaking her head, Liara decided that she was too tired to really care about such a thing at the moment.

They stepped onto the elevator and stood side by side. The awkward silence and waiting reminded her of the painfully slow elevator aboard the old Normandy. This one was definitely faster, but the quiet was crushing. Garrus stared straight ahead without so much as a glance at her and Liara wondered if she should say something. But what? Should she say, "So, you found out that Shepard and I used to be a couple, huh?" or "How have you been? Obviously not that great, since you have that scar on your face." It was all pointless and petty at this point. They both knew the answers to those questions.

Instead, Liara said, "Thank you for your help with the Shadow Broker, Garrus."

"I think you're being an idiot," he said in a low, matter-of-fact voice.

Taken aback, Liara exclaimed, "Excuse me?"

"Shepard is an amazing woman - we both know that. She's the only one doing anything to stop the Reapers. By the spirits, she came back from the dead to save the entire galaxy! And how do the people she cares about welcome her back? That idiot, Ashley, calls her a traitor and storms off, and you -"

Clenching her fists, Liara answered, "I brought her back, Garrus. I retrieved her body from the Shadow Broker. Where were you? I do not remember you helping me save Shepard. It was just me and a drell named Feron, and Feron sacrificed himself for me and for Shepard. That might not mean anything to you, but I have a debt to repay. I have to rescue Feron and kill the Shadow Broker."

Garrus's mandibles twitched. "Look, I'm no stranger to revenge. Shepard is no stranger to revenge either. You should have seen her on Omega when we were surrounded by batarians. I thought she was going to start gunning people down in the streets. And I'm sure she understands why you want to take down the Shadow Broker. I have no doubt she'll do everything in her power to help you. But I also know that when we left Illium last time... I've never seen the commander that lost. She always has a plan, and a backup plan, and a backup plan for the backup plan; but that day... I don't think she knew what to do without you. What Ashley said to her was awful. Then we go to Tuchunka and see Wrex, and he had legitimate reasons for not coming with us, and I think Shepard understood, but you know how much she likes that krogan. It was just one disappointment after another. Then we see you, and you treat her like a business client or something. I thank the spirits that Tali had the sense to join up along with me or else Shepard would be out here alone with these Cerberus goons. If you cared about Shepard... you wouldn't throw her away either."

Liara felt a torrent of emotions coursing through her: rage, grief, guilt, sadness. She had already lost Shepard once and the experience had torn her apart. She had become a different person because she couldn't let Shepard go. Consumed by revenge and hate - the kind of person Shepard had once warned her not to become. Shepard had not changed, but Liara was not who she used to be. And the commander had fallen in love with who Liara was two years ago; she would not love the twisted person Liara had become.

She wondered if maybe Shepard had been right back on Illium, that part of her resented the commander for changing her life forever. Her doctorate was in prothean studies, not information brokering or getting results at any cost. Her desires had never included hunting down people with valuable information to get one step closer to achieving revenge. She never wanted to be filled with the black sludge of hate that grew inside her like a cancer, encouraging her to venture farther and farther down a dark path. None of that would have been possible if Shepard hadn't shown up two years ago and dragged her back to the Normandy. Then again, she would probably be dead, trapped in that prothean dig site. But if Shepard had been different, if somehow she had not had that ability to draw Liara to her like a paper boat caught in a riptide, then maybe she could have gone back to her studies and avoided all of this. Maybe she resented Shepard for making her fall in love with her.

The elevator doors opened at the top floor and Garrus said, "Think about what I said, Liara. Some advice from an old friend." Then, gesturing to the door across a narrow hallway, he added, "That's Shepard's room. Get some rest."

Stepping off the elevator, Liara didn't know if she should say anything back to Garrus. Should she try to make him understand that she still loved Shepard? That she wanted to save Shepard from seeing the terrible person that she had become? That she was afraid of disappointing the woman she loved? But when she turned to look over her shoulder at him, the elevator door closed and she found herself alone in the empty corridor.

Sighing, Liara headed to the other door and entered Shepard's room. She immediately noticed that this room was larger than the captain's quarters of the old Normandy. Cerberus had certainly not been stingy about making the commander as comfortable as possible; probably an attempt to garner some good feelings from Shepard. She also noticed a display case of ship models and a fish tank with only one yellow fish swimming lazily from one side to the other. _Probably the only survivor of Shepard's forgetfulness_, Liara mused, grinning.

Crossing over to the desk, Liara ran her fingers over the keyboard of the terminal, imagining the commander's hands typing out a mission report or message. Images of the commander's hands - fingers wrapped around a pistol, or reaching out to grasp the handle of a pan in the kitchen as she fixed a meal for Liara, or palm pressed against Liara's cheek as the commander leaned in to kiss her - the images flooded her mind and stirred a quiet pain for lost things. An echo of the feel of Shepard's hands on her skin lingered in her memory, but that too had faded with time.

Just as she was about to scold herself for thinking about Shepard like that again, a photo-frame on the commander's desk reacted to her presence and came to life. Liara found herself staring at a photograph of herself, a candid shot from some news vid back when they had rescued the Citadel. She felt a sudden pang in her chest, though she didn't know why. She knew that Shepard still cared for her and might keep a picture of her. She knew, after the note Shepard gave her, that the commander didn't think they were over. She knew these things.

But her breath caught at the sight of the photo. Shepard's words, _I won't stop loving you_, resounded in her head. She wanted to slam the photo down or throw it out the airlock. She wanted to force the dark haired woman to stop loving her. How could she ever hope to move on if Shepard kept drawing her back? Indescribable emotions swelled to the surface and she had to look away before water began leaking from her eyes. Taking a few deep breaths, Liara steered herself to Shepard's dresser and opened it to look for something comfortable to wear to bed. Shepard had certainly told the truth, everything in the drawers had the Cerberus logo plastered either on the chest or sleeve. Instinctively, Liara began digging through the clothes looking for Shepard's old N7 gear, hoping to find something familiar. Memories swam to the forefront of her mind as she searched.

_She sat on the edge of the bed, wearing Shepard's N7 Academy shirt, a gray, baggy shirt with red lettering above the right breast. It was large on Liara, and Shepard too, probably meant for a male cadet. When Liara had moved into Shepard's small apartment on the Citadel she had been shocked to discover how little the commander actually owned. There were only a few articles of clothing other than her __A__lliance uniforms and almost no personal effects: no photos or memorabilia. Liara knew that almost everything related to Shepard's family had been burned on Mindoir. The primary personal objects that Shepard owned seemed to be a large collection of books; old books, written hundreds of years ago and printed on paper._

_Liara was just rubbing the sleep from her eyes when Shepard appeared in the doorway of the bedroom holding a spatula in her hand. Her black hair was loose around her shoulders and she wore a worn, white tank top and baggy, cargo pants. The pants were a rust color and a few sizes too large for Shepard, requiring that she wear a belt to even keep them up around her hips. Several holes, each about a thumb-width, lay scattered along the fabric, the edges singed. Those pants looked as uncharacteristically like Shepard as possible. The commander took pride in her professionalism and would never be caught dead, by anyone other than Liara, with her hair down or without the proper attire. When Liara had first asked about the cargo pants, Shepard had told her that they belonged to her oldest brother back when they were kids, and most of her brothers' clothes had later been handed down to her. She had been wearing them the day of the attack while she did chores around the farm, before the batarians descended on Mindoir. Now they were the only thing she had to remember him by._

_When Shepard saw Liara sitting on the bed, she grinned and said, "I don't know why, but I find it incredibly sexy when you wear my stuff."_

_She stood in the doorway looking at Liara with appreciation until the asari said playfully, "You__ a__re staring, Commander."_

_Shaking her head, Shepard quickly said, "I was going to ask if you wanted toast with your eggs."_

_Smiling back, Liara answered, "Yes, please." The fact that Shepard liked to cook was another thing that had surprised Liara. Shepard insisted that she really only liked to cook breakfast; it was a leisurely activity, unlike lunch or dinner, she explained. She claimed to be a master at preparing breakfast, and so far Liara had to agree._

_Turning, Shepard headed back to the kitchen. Liara could already smell the coffee and hear the sizzling of a pan on the stove. Smiling and hugging herself in Shepard's shirt, Liara felt truly content._

Snapping out of the memory, Liara stopped digging around for the N7 gear that wasn't in the drawer. That shirt, along with the cargo pants, had been destroyed the day the Normandy had been torn apart and Shepard died. Only the books that Shepard had left back at the apartment had survived the incident. Liara kept them in a box at her apartment on Illium, waiting for an opportunity to return them to the commander. Not for the first time, Liara wondered what it must have been like for Shepard to wake up from the dead to discover that she had lost two years and all of her belongings, including the only thing she had to remember her family by.

Liara selected a long, black shirt that only had a small Cerberus logo on the sleeve. The Illusive Man, Ms. Lawson, or whoever picked out Shepard's wardrobe, also didn't include anything not in Shepard's size, so there was nothing particularly loose from which to pick. Liara felt like it probably wouldn't matter though; she was tired enough to fall asleep in what she already wore. After changing, she crawled into the bed and lay staring up at the ceiling. The lights automatically went out - courtesy of the AI, Liara was sure - and the room filled with silence.

Bringing the sheets up to her chin, Liara discovered that they smelled like Shepard. The scent was hard to describe, but it was undeniably Shepard's scent. It reminded Liara of warmth, of a clear pool of water by a grassy bank on a hot day. More importantly, it reminded her of the commander, of lying in bed with the dark haired woman's body pressed closely against hers and one arm circling her waist while they slept; she thought of kisses stolen in hidden places aboard the Normandy: the unnaturally slow elevator, the storage room of the medical bay, the corridor of the stairwell; she thought of Shepard reciting poetry in the shower as if she were really humming out a casual song; she thought of the moments when she was wrapped in Shepard's embrace, and of the words unspoken that she now regretted not saying.

She couldn't help the water that pooled in her eyes as she lay there, thinking about the last time she had been truly happy and the person she used to be. She should have known that it wouldn't be easy to stop thinking about Shepard, especially aboard the new Normandy. The commander's presence lingered everywhere, haunting Liara with the knowledge of what she could no longer have.

She wanted Shepard back.

But Shepard wanted the woman she had fallen in love with two years ago, and Liara just wasn't that woman anymore.


	6. Reunion

**Ok, we're getting there. Next chapter is obviously the cabin scene, and then afterwards a special chapter of my own design :). I was glad that several people were moved by the last chapter (since that was my goal) and hopefully I can continue to do these characters justice.**

**If anyone is familiar with my other story "Confessions," about my full-renegade, then you may see some similarities between concepts in this chapter and the final chapter of that story. I was a little surprised that LotSB did not have a paragon/renegade choice at the end of whether to actually make Liara the Shadow Broker. From a literature standpoint, there are a ton of implications attached to Liara assuming that role and I would have liked a bit more control over that. I can see why the choice was not available, but I will be the first to admit that if it had been, I would have always screwed myself over in favor of not letting Liara become the Broker. But don't worry, I won't mess with the canon, just my thoughts on the matter.**

**It'll take me a few days to get the next chapter up. I badly want to write the special chapter I've mentioned, and I may have to bow to my muse on this one and do that first so that I'm not distracted when I write the next chapter. If you've stuck with me this far though, then you probably know I won't keep you waiting too long. I've been meeting deadlines on stories for years, so I'm not one to lag behind on these things. Anyway, I'm rambling. Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Reunion**

Liara awoke with a start, bolting upright in bed and reflexively erecting a biotic barrier around herself. Clutching the sheets with her left hand, she scanned the dark room with wide-eyes, unsure where she was. The fog of sleep lingered in her mind as all her senses worked towards finding a hidden assailant, but she found herself completely alone. Breathing heavily, she jumped when a mechanical, female voice said, "I did not mean to startle you, Dr. T'soni." Her brain went into overdrive, recalling memories of the last few hours and what she had been doing prior to falling asleep. In a rush she remembered that she was in Shepard's room aboard the Normandy, they were on their way to the Shadow Broker's base, and there was an AI called EDI on the ship. The strange voice continued, "I only wished to inform you that we will be arriving at the Shadow Broker's base in 30 minutes. I have already informed Commander Shepard and she will meet you on Deck 3 as soon as you are ready."

_Get a hold of yourself, Liara,_ she told herself. _You're not in any danger._ Unsure if a response was necessary, she ventured, "Uh... Thank you. I will be there soon."

That seemed to suffice. "I will inform the Commander."

Trying to calm her rapidly beating heart, Liara threw her legs over the edge of the bed and placed a hand on her chest. She felt silly for reacting like that to the AI attempting to wake her. She couldn't remember ever feeling secure over the past two years; she always expected the worst now - a useful mentality in her line of work, but also a source of extreme paranoia. At least she didn't feel groggy at the moment and the sleep had been much needed.

Quickly changing back into her light armor and making the bed, she took one more look around the room, figuring it was the last time that she'd be there. It never ceased to amaze her how sparingly Shepard seemed to live; but perhaps the commander had never had a chance to accumulate anything. Losing everything on Mindoir, traveling constantly in the Alliance, the Normandy being annihilated... Shepard's life seemed to be a long string of uprooting events.

As Liara's eyes fell on a desk beside the couch, she noticed a beat up helmet that had escaped her notice before. Crossing over to it, she picked up the charred and blackened remains and studied it. Her eyes settled on the N7 etched into the side and she nearly dropped the helmet in shock. This was Shepard's old visor, the one she had worn on the day the Normandy was destroyed. Shepard had worn it during their last conversation; she had suffocated behind that mask only minutes later. Liara's hands trembled as she set the helmet back down and stepped away from the desk. _Just another reminder of why I can't go through that again_, she thought.

She hurried to the elevator and the AI automatically set the destination as Deck 3. When she stepped off the elevator she was confused by where she found herself. The area immediately in front of her seemed to be a dead end with a couple of rooms. She doubted that the crew would appreciate her poking around as she searched for the commander. Then she heard a voice - Shepard's voice - from somewhere behind her. She wandered to the right of the elevator shaft and found that the ship extended much farther in the opposite direction. It was laid out similar to the second deck on the old Normandy, with the mess hall in the center, rooms flanking the left and right, and a large area full of sleeper pods. Shepard sat at a table in the mess, already in full gear, with her back to Liara and a gigantic krogan sitting across from her. Her body leaned over the table as she gestured animatedly with her hands, obviously engrossed in what she was saying. She didn't seem to notice Liara standing a few feet behind her. The krogan was also engaged in what the commander was saying and didn't give Liara so much as a glance.

"So then, there we were, right?" Shepard was saying. "Sitting on this huge hill staring down at the largest horde of geth colossus and armatures that I've ever seen. The conduit was blindingly bright, but it was closing and Saren had already used it to get to the Citadel. Wrex was sitting next to me in the Mako and we look at each other and he says, 'We're going to need a bigger vehicle.' Of course that's not really an option and I say, 'No time! Hold on, this is going to hurt!' And I just floor it. We take off like a bat out of hell down the hill!"

The krogan slapped the table with amusement as he exclaimed, "Ha! I bet the machines weren't expecting that!"

Liara felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. She'd been on Ilos after all and remembered nearly fainting when Shepard took off towards the Conduit. She recalled the information she had on Shepard's new crew and placed the krogan as Grunt, Warlord Okeer's tank-bred krogan. The expression of excitement on the young krogan's face was oddly endearing. No doubt Shepard loved sharing war stories with Grunt - she had a strong penchant for the krogan. Liara even had to admit that sometimes she'd been jealous of how much time Shepard liked to spend with Wrex and how fond of him she was. She'd joked once before that perhaps she should keep an eye on the commander whenever she was around Wrex. She had little doubt that Shepard was an excellent teacher for Grunt on how to be a proper krogan.

"No, they weren't," Shepard agreed. "They all turn their heads to see us careening down the hill. I'm doing some kind of war-cry like a maniac, Wrex is next to me laughing his head off, and Liara is screaming bloody-murder in the back seat." The commander threw her head back and laughed. It'd been a long time since Liara had heard that laugh, it brought the smile to full bloom on her face; even if it was partly at her expense.

"What happened next?" Grunt asked expectantly while leaning forward eagerly.

"Well, of course, the geth opened fire. Wrex fired a few shots back, but we were moving way too fast and plus I don't think he could aim from laughing so hard. Our shields were taking one hell of a beating and by the time we actually reached the platform they were at zero. We hit this bank and the Mako goes flying towards the conduit and we reach it just in time. We get hurtled across the entire galaxy in less than a minute and come shooting out the other end, smashing into a bunch of geth as the Mako slams into the Citadel. I think my entire crew was overjoyed when they found out the Mako didn't survive that trip."

As Shepard laughed again, Liara decided to sidle up to the table and said, "We threw a celebration just for that."

Shepard's head snapped up to look at Liara and Grunt also trained his piercing, blue eyes on her. The commander awkwardly jumped to her feet, as if she were unsure how she should react to Liara's presence, and exclaimed, "Liara!" Then glancing at the krogan she gestured back and forth between them hastily and added, "Liara this is Grunt. Grunt this is Liara." Then she grinned playfully. "You know, the one who was screaming bloody-murder in the back of the Mako."

As the krogan studied her, Liara wondered if he knew about her and Shepard's past relationship. Garrus and Tali obviously knew, and she suspected that Joker likely knew as well. She knew that Ms. Lawson was somewhere aboard the ship and she obviously knew about it. The justicar, Samara, was presumably in the loop as well if she transcribed the message for Shepard. Joker was a terrible gossip though, and she doubted he would hesitate to tell anyone about it. But would Grunt even participate in gossip? Then, she realized that Joker was not above making an announcement to the entire ship if he felt like it, so the krogan might know regardless.

The stare he gave her was certainly critical enough. She imagined that his first thought was to size her up in a fight. Then, if he knew about her past relationship with Shepard, he would likely weigh whether she was an adequate mate. Grunt obviously respected and admired Shepard so he would expect her mate to be strong as well. Likely, Liara would not be what he had imagined.

Trying not to think about that, Liara replied, "I cannot help that I am sane, Shepard." She forced a grin in order to put the commander more at ease and show that she would also try to be friendly.

"I think my insanity is rather charming," Shepard quipped. Then changing the topic she asked, "How did you sleep?"

"Very well, thank you."

Nodding, she said, "Good. We'll hit the base soon. We can grab Garrus and head to the shuttle." Turning to Grunt she added, "I'll tell you the rest of that story later."

He grinned and nodded as Shepard and Liara headed towards the forward battery to fetch Garrus.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard had never considered herself the jealous type. Then again, she'd never been in a serious relationship before Liara; her constant traveling with the Alliance had put a damper on anything long-term. Still, she had never felt particularly jealous of comrades who got promotions before she did or were handed better assignments. She'd never begrudged those with more money or more idle time than her. For all her faults, her temper being perhaps the most prominent, she had never thought that jealousy was one of them.

Apparently she was wrong.

It felt like a small creature lived inside her chest and stirred at the look Liara gave Feron when they found him. While Shepard's initial response to seeing the drell chained to that torture device was pity and a desire to help, it was quickly swept aside as the creature in her heart rose on its haunches and flattened its ears threateningly. Shepard knew that it was the animal in her, reacting in a primal way to what she perceived as a threat. Understanding, however, did nothing to lessen the effect of the jealousy.

Liara's blue eyes were glassy and her bottom lip quivered with concern for Feron. Shepard thought bitterly that Liara gave him more care in that one look than she had for Shepard throughout this entire ordeal. _She couldn't spare an 'Are you alright?' when Vasir threw you to the ground, but for him it's all watery eyes and deep concern?_

She recalled Kelly saying once that she found Thane attractive and wondering if the commander felt the same. Of course, Shepard had told her to mind her own business and hadn't given it much thought at the time. Now, looking at Feron, she wondered if Liara was in love with the drell and perhaps that was why she didn't want anything to do with Shepard. The primal side of her wanted to challenge him to a fight in order to win Liara back - as if that would solve anything. Wrex would have probably approved though.

It was difficult, but she tried to suppress her jealousy and concentrate on the task at hand: finding the Shadow Broker. They were close and she doubted he would go down without a fight. Stewing in her feelings would only cloud her judgment. She could deal with her emotions later.

~.~.~.~.~

"You're - you're the Broker?" Feron rasped as he limped towards Liara. The asari looked equally as horrified as the drell sounded.

Hands shaking, she said, "He is gone now, and everyone who has ever seen him is dead... Stepping in as the new Broker was easy..."

This was not what Shepard had expected to happen. It was not what she wanted. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" she asked, though her tone conveyed that she obviously thought it was not.

Turning towards the console and laying her hands on the edges, Liara bowed her head and said, "With this information I can help you fight the Reapers. I can give you an edge. I can... I can..." Her voice faded into a choked sob and Shepard moved towards her instinctively.

Feron cleared his throat and said, "I'll, uh, check the power systems." Both he and Garrus quietly extricated themselves from the situation and left the room.

Shepard could see Liara's shoulders shaking, and she desperately wanted to comfort her former lover, but she had promised to keep her distance. She also didn't want Liara to become the Shadow Broker which meant trying to convince the asari otherwise. Somehow she had to stop this from happening; she had to save Liara from herself. It was one thing to give in to revenge; it was a completely other thing to become the thing that you hunted. She knew the temptation, the irresistible pull to exact the same punishment you had been dealt. When she had been faced with that batarian terrorist, Balak, all she wanted was to tear his head from his shoulders and send it to the batarian hegemony as a message. She could have done it too. She could have easily satisfied her own desires by becoming the same monster as Balak and sacrificing innocents lives to achieve her goal. She had never told Liara, but part of the reason why she had the strength to refuse temptation and save the engineers was that Liara had been there and she didn't want to become a monster in front of her. Liara had been incorruptible, a beacon of hope that helped steer Shepard in the right direction. Now she needed to save Liara from sacrificing all of her innocence.

"You don't have to do this," she urged, inching closer to the asari. "We could take the data, overload the systems, and destroy this entire ship."

Without turning, Liara said, "An intact network will be more valuable to you in the days to come. I can maintain the network, devote resources to fighting the Reapers."

"I know," Shepard said gently, "but you don't have to do this. I can find another way. Being the Shadow Broker is not clean work. You don't want to be like him." She hovered just behind Liara, and clenched her fists to keep from reaching out and touching her.

Turning to gaze at Shepard, Liara had an exasperated expression on her face. "Sometimes we have to sacrifice things, Shepard. You, of all people, need to understand that."

Frowning, Shepard replied, "I do, Liara. I do. But if I can help it, I make sure I'm the one to make the sacrifice. I don't want you to do this for me."

She could see the tears in Liara's eyes and the asari angrily slammed the side of her fist against the commander's collar bone. Her armor absorbed most of the impact, but Shepard's eyes still widened at the sudden strike. "When will it be enough then, Shepard?" Liara demanded. "When your sacrifices get you killed again? Do you think I want that? Do you think I want to live knowing that I could have saved you, and did not?"

Shepard's reply came out as a hoarse whisper. "I don't want to lose you, Liara."

Tears streaming down her face before she averted her eyes from the commander, Liara murmured, "I know. I won't become like him. Helping you will keep me honest. I won't become... I won't..."

Wrapping her arms around the asari and pulling her into a tight embrace, Shepard couldn't bear to see Liara cry anymore. She knew that she was partly the cause of those tears and it tore her to pieces. Liara's arms circled her waist and she buried her face in the crook of the commander's neck. Resting her cheek against the top of Liara's head, Shepard closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. She knew that she had told Liara that she would try to be only a friend, that she wouldn't try to keep Liara from moving on; and, surely, friends could offer a hug for comfort, couldn't they?

Holding Liara in her arms felt just like she remembered. Even with their armors creating a certain level of awkwardness to the gesture, Shepard thought that she could be content to stay that way. Even more, she would give anything to fall asleep while in Liara's embrace one more time.

Of course, she was disappointed when Liara finally pulled away, but she knew that one of them eventually had to, and it wasn't going to be her. However, as she stepped back with reluctance, Liara surprised her by leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on her lips. Unsure how to react, Shepard just stood there and Liara pulled away looking equally as shocked.

Trying to back-pedal, Liara stammered, "I - I am sorry. I did not mean - we are different people." A torrent of emotions welled up inside Shepard as she watched Liara pull away from her again. _I_ _promised to be her friend_, she thought. _I promised not to push the issue_. But another part of her brain quickly combated, _You also said that you wouldn't stop loving her_. It struck her suddenly how ironic the situation had become. Two years ago she had been the one running from Liara, afraid of what she might lose if she gave in to her feelings. Yet, Liara had been persistent and Shepard had been grateful for that. Now, Liara was the one running from her and she had to make a choice: try to win her back or let her go. It occurred to her, suddenly, what an easy choice that was.

"We have both moved on," Liara continued to ramble. "I should not have -" Catching Liara with one arm, Shepard pulled her quickly into an embrace and kissed her forcefully. There was a tense moment of fear as Shepard wondered if Liara would slap her or push her way, but then Liara kissed her back - maybe even a bit more fiercely than Shepard had intended.

The hunger that she remembered was present, amplified by time and distance. An insatiable desire to know and be known by one another and to convey the longing that words could not adequately describe. Present also was a desperation experienced through the aggressiveness of the kiss, the way Shepard pulled Liara close to her, and how Liara gripped the back of Shepard's neck as if both were afraid that the other might disappear.

When the kiss finally ended, Liara pulled back, panting, and said, "Ok... ok."

"Ok?" Shepard asked, feeling simultaneously hopeful and worried.

"I am still... scared," Liara admitted, but she rested her hands on Shepard's chest and allowed the commander to keep her arms wrapped around her waist. "We just finished the fight and... and I am not the same person I was two years ago... I do not really know who I am anymore. I do not know what is right anymore." Then, raising her blue eyes to stare intently at Shepard, she added, "But I know that I want you. I know... that I still love you."

With a roguish grin, Shepard pulled the asari in closer and leaned in so that their foreheads touched, lips close enough to hint at another kiss. "You're a little late to the party, T'soni," she said mischievously. "I think I said it first a long time ago."

"You did not say it, you wrote it down," Liara replied back in good humor.

"Technicalities," Shepard replied, still smirking. "Though I recall saying it quite a few times too. I realized a while ago that if I let you do the talking and wait for you to make a decision, I'll be waiting for a rather long time." She echoed the words that Liara had spoken to her just before Ilos, and by the look on the asari's face she knew that the meaning was not lost on her.

"I suppose, then, that I will have to say it a couple more times to make up for it," she replied. Liara tilted her head, as if to press their lips together, but stopped suddenly, saying, "What did those words mean? In the message you gave me."

Distracted by the tease of the kiss, Shepard hummed, "Hm?"

"The message you gave me... You wrote 'I love you' and three more words after that."

Coming back to her senses, the commander smiled and asked, "You mean 'I love you sub specie aeternitatis?'"

Frowning, Liara answered, "Yes. It is strange, even when you say them the words are alien. My translator does not seem to work."

"I'm not surprised. It's from a very old human language. People don't use it except in rare occasions."

"What does it mean?" Liara persisted.

Grinning, Shepard gazed into Liara's blue eyes and then glanced at the door. "Tell you what: if you come back to the Normandy with me so that we can talk about us, I'll tell you what the words mean."

Sighing, Liara said, "You are such a tease, Commander."

Shepard just winked and said, "Look who's talking."


	7. Sub Specie Aeternitatis

**Conclusion(ish)! We'll talk about the -ish in a second, but first a few words about this chapter. I tried to keep some of the original dialogue and general ideas of the original scene, but not everything made it in. The best known line is in here though (I'm sure you know what I mean). There was also a second part, originally, but I scrapped that in my final edit. But I make good on my promise to tell you what the title means. Credit goes to Stevie Smith for being the first to use this line (from the poem "Freddy"), and I think it's terribly romantic. Couldn't resist using it. God, I'm a sucker for melodrama.**

**Ok, let's chat about the -ish. There WILL be at least one more chapter, an original idea that I wanted to do. About half of that is already written. Here's what I need from you, the readers: I have an idea for a piece about the Arrival DLC (mostly to do with Shepard's desire to be a part of the Alliance, her problem with batarians, and the theme of revenge that has been throughout this story). However, I am unsure whether that would be of interest to anyone and I don't want to detract from this story if that is the case. If anyone would like to see that additional chapter, then I would appreciate you letting me know. If it seems like enough people think that would add to the story rather than detract, then I'll probably do it. Otherwise, I'll end this with the next chapter as a sort of epilogue.**

**As always, feedback on this chapter or any other chapter is appreciated. If you have thoughts on what worked and what didn't, I'd love to hear it. While all of the people who have reviewed have been awesome and I thank all of you sincerely for taking the time to read this story and write a review, I feel I should give a special thanks to Peewit22 and Blansten for consistently giving feedback. You two have been especially great and I wanted to let you know I have enjoyed reading your comments. Thank you to all the readers and I hope you enjoy the chapter.**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Sub Specie Aeternitatis**

Shepard drew back her hair and quickly tied it into a bun, checking in the mirror for any loose tendrils. From her hair, her hands went to her uniform - a Cerberus officer's uniform - and she smoothed the front while frowning at the orange logo emblazoned on the breast. She had briefly considered wearing the dress Kasumi had given her for the heist, but decided against it when she feared that the low cut and short length would seem too presumptuous. True, she believed and hoped that she could rekindle her relationship with Liara, but she knew there were things they still needed to talk about. It would be best not to appear overeager to jump into bed with the new Shadow Broker - even if she wouldn't complain if that's where she eventually found herself.

Satisfied with her appearance, she stepped out of her bathroom and surveyed her room once more. Truth be told, she wasn't even sure why she felt the need to do so; her quarters were never in disarray so there had been no need to tidy up for Liara's arrival. The pair had parted at the Broker's base with Liara promising to come aboard the Normandy and talk. Shepard then instructed Garrus and Tali to meet Liara when she arrived and give their old friend a tour of the ship, thus allowing Shepard plenty of time to shower quickly and change clothes.

Now all she had to do was wait. Sitting in the chair at her desk, Shepard watched the lone, yellow fish in the fish tank dart around a piece of fake scenery. Several fish before it had died in what Joker teasingly referred to as Shepard's Epic Fish Massacre. She just referred to it as having better things to do than remembering to feed a creature that didn't even make a sound. Regardless, there was now a betting pool to see how long she could keep Al-Jilani - named for that horrid reporter - alive. If the fish lived up to the spitefulness of his namesake, then Shepard suspected that he would stick around for a long time.

"Shepard," came EDI's voice and snapped the commander from her thoughts, "Dr. T'Soni is at your door. Shall I let her in?"

Jumping to her feet, Shepard answered, "Yes, please do." The metal doors slid open and Liara walked in, dressed in a floor-length dress of purple and red with long gloves that exposed her slender, blue fingers. Noting the conservativeness of Liara's outfit, Shepard felt relieved that she had not worn the much more revealing dress. She carried what appeared to be a white box, but Shepard didn't know what it was.

"How was the tour?" she asked.

"Very nice," Liara answered with a smile. "It was good to catch up with Tali and Garrus. It seems like Tali has grown up so much... and Garrus has changed in a lot of ways too, but he seems happy to be here. I also saw Dr. Chakwas and she seemed glad to see me. Asked about my health and such. I even saw Joker. Made me realize how much I have missed his jokes. He said something about you and I acting out scenes of some vid called Vaenia, that I did not understand."

Sighing and touching her forehead in slight exasperation, Shepard muttered, "Of course he did. He's never going to let that go."

Chuckling at the commander's reaction, Liara said, "Well, I did not get his joke, but it was nice to see him anyway." Then with a slight frown she added, "It did make me realize how things have changed though. How much everyone has changed over two years. I suppose they were surprised by how I have changed too."

Neither knew what to say and an awkward silence permeated the air between them. Finally, Liara changed the tone by offering the white box to Shepard and saying, "Oh, I have a gift for you. It took some work, but I recovered your dog tags." Shepard accepted the box and saw that a chain necklace with two damaged but intact metal plates was mounted on the front. Fingers touching the cool silver, she stared at the name etched into the flat metal. "I got them from Admiral Hackett. He did not know you were alive at the time, and he did not know why I wanted them, but he still gave them to me. I do not know if he suspected... maybe he heard something in my voice when I called... but he sent them to me without asking any questions."

"I..." Shepard faltered, unsure what to say. Part of her knew that she should thank Liara, but images of her years in the Alliance flashed through her head and drowned out other thoughts. When she had received her dog tags she had been told that in the event of her death the tags would be given to her next of kin or person of her choosing. She'd often wondered in years past what would happen to her tags since she knew there would be nobody to give them to. Now she was the recipient of her own tags, of the news of her death. And she received them as a civilian, as no longer part of the Alliance. _How... poetic_, she thought bitterly.

Trying again, she said, "Thank you, Liara. I appreciate that you asked for them."

Liara studied the commander's face with a frown. Her eyes went from the pained expression on the woman's face to the thoughtful way she touched the dog tags. Eventually she said quietly, "I know the Alliance was important to you, Shepard. Now that you are back, I think they will welcome you -"

But Shepard shook her head and set the tags on her desk. "No, I don't think they want me back. Ash - I mean Chief Williams - made it clear that I was a traitor. If they wanted me back, they would have asked already. I'm on my own."

Taking a step towards the commander, Liara said, "You still have your crew, Shepard. And you have friends in powerful places, like Wrex and Anderson." Standing in front of the dark haired woman, Liara raised her hand to cup Shepard's face. Blue eyes connecting with the violet of Shepard's eyes, she traced the curve of the human's lips with her thumb. "And you still have me, Shepard. I meant what I said on the base. I love you, and I am not leaving you again."

Placing her hand over Liara's, Shepard closed her eyes and concentrated on the feel of Liara's touch against her cheek. "I was so afraid I lost you," she whispered. "My identity, before I met you, was so wrapped up in the Alliance. You were the first thing that existed in my life outside of the Alliance in a long time. You made me... more than Commander Shepard. You made me just a person with passions and fears. I was afraid that I'd lost everything."

Not even trying to hide the concern in her voice, Liara asked, "Shepard, how are you holding up? Really. Not just what you tell everyone to keep moral up."

Eyes fluttering open and sighing, Shepard said, "Honestly? I'm tired, Liara. I'm exhausted sometimes with it all." Slipping away from Liara's touch, Shepard walked down the steps to sit at the edge of her bed. Her shoulders sagged as if to illustrate her fatigue. "The more I learn about the Reapers, the more apparent it becomes that we're facing something more powerful than we can imagine. And I keep wondering, what makes us different than any other civilization? How can we win where others failed?"

Hovering at the edge of the steps, Liara offered, "You stopped them from invading the Citadel already. You have stopped them once before and bought us time to prepare."

Shaking her head, Shepard said bitterly, "But no one is truly preparing. Only Cerberus believes me, and they're so hung up on human dominance that they can't see the big picture. This isn't about humanity; it's about everyone." Her hand swept through her hair briefly as she sighed again. "The thing is: even if we manage to win in the end, the galaxy will still be a much emptier place. So much will be lost before this is done... We will have to sacrifice so much before this is over. I'm afraid -" she almost choked on the word as her throat tightened. "I'm afraid of the cost, Liara. Sometimes I think that there are things I can't bear to lose. And I know there are sacrifices I can't make. Everyone thinks I will fight to the end, but I know that I'm not strong enough to overcome some things. And it's all a guessing game of what will be lost. Some things I will lose, but I will have to keep on and carry the burden on my soul. Other things I may lose... and it will be too much for me. I won't be able to go on."

"I have thought the same thing myself at times," Liara admitted as she slowly descended the steps. "I have often wondered what our lives would be like if we knew nothing about the Reapers. Sometimes I fantasized what it would have been like if you and I had met some other way and were living somewhere peaceful while someone else tried to save the galaxy." Sitting next to Shepard, Liara folded her hands in her lap and spoke quietly, calmly. "I will admit that sometimes I imagined what my life would have been like if I had never gone to Therum, had never met you, and had lived out my days blissfully unaware of what is to come." She did not meet Shepard's eyes as she said that, only stared down at her hands. "But I have come to realize something," she added, and lifted her face towards the commander. "The life I imagined, without you, was... empty. And all of my futures would eventually include the Reaper invasion - no one will be able to escape that. I realized that all the paths of life would meet at that point in time, that we will all face a judgment of sorts when the Reapers arrive. And when those days are over there will be a chance for a new future. A future that can include you, and I should be grateful that I have that chance." Placing a hand on top of Shepard's, Liara smiled warmly. "I cannot say what will happen, but I have hope for the future. A future with you."

Not knowing what to say, Shepard stared at Liara with a myriad of emotions etched across her face. She felt as if cotton had been stuffed in her mouth and in her head, preventing her from expressing an adequate response. Liara seemed so immensely wise; the future was unknowable, but instead of fear, Shepard could hope for something better. Giving into despair would serve no purpose.

Liara, however, seemed confused by Shepard's hesitation and self-consciously pulled her hand away. Nervously she amended, "I suppose I should not assume we have the same idea of the future though. I mean, I know we have never talked about it before. I am sorry if I seemed a little too presumptuous."

Shepard quickly caught Liara's hand again and squeezed it reassuringly. "No, no, Liara. There's nothing I want more than a future with you." With a humorous grin and a hint of mirth in her voice, she added, "Believe me, I want the happily ever after. Marriage, old age, a lot of little blue children."

Liara smiled in return and pushed Shepard's shoulder playfully. "You just say these things."

Still grinning, Shepard leaned in so that her face was mere inches from Liara's and lowered her voice. "You should know by now, T'soni, I never say anything that I don't mean." She gently pressed their lips together as if punctuating the statement. Liara placed her free hand on the back of Shepard's neck and drew them both deeper into the kiss. The coolness of Liara's fingers against her skin made the hairs there stand on end while heat seemed to radiated upwards to the rest of Shepard's head. Completely absorbed in her passion, Shepard couldn't recall exactly how Liara ended up sitting in her lap, both arms draped around the commander's shoulders, while her own hands explored the doctor's lower back and thighs. Twisting her fingers in Shepard's black hair, Liara undid the bun so that her hair fell down her back like a curtain. Eventually they pulled apart long enough to allow their kisses to wander elsewhere. Being slightly elevated and thus taller, Liara pressed her lips against Shepard's brow and temple while the commander's lips trailed Liara's jaw line and rested against her throat. In a breathless whisper, Shepard said, "I love you sub specie aeternitatis."

Pulling back with a smile and gazing into Shepard's eyes, Liara replied, "You still have not told me what it means."

Violet eyes shining with passion, Shepard brushed the back of her hand against Liara's cheek before saying, "I love you under the aspect of eternity." She savored the words for a moment before explaining, "It has a dual meaning. Literally it means I love you objectively and as a matter of unchanging fact. It's also a way to say that I love you forever."

"I love you sub specie aeternitatis," Liara repeated, trying the words on her own tongue. Then chuckling she said, "Sometimes your poetry proves to be very romantic, Shepard." Tilting her head, she returned them to the ardent kiss, fanning the flame of their desire. Giving over completely to the moment, Shepard knew that she finally had Liara back. She promised to herself to never lose her love again.


	8. Textbook Romance

**Ok, so I told myself I wouldn't spoil anything about this chapter in my author's note, regardless of how difficult it is since I have a lot of things I want to say about this chapter. This is a completely original story based on a comment Liara makes during the cabin scene in LotSB. Ever since I heard that comment, I wanted to see this scene played out. I wrote the scene to be extremely light-hearted and comical ****-**** a little reward after all the drama of the past chapters. Besides, my Shep's idea of romance was just too quirky to pass up.**

**Based on the feedback I received, it seems that people think Arrival would fit into the main theme of this story, so I plan to go ahead with that. It will probably be a long chapter, so it will likely take me a while to finish. I don't even know how the conflict will pan out at this point (I'll let Shep decide that) so I'm curious to see if she gives into temptation or not. Point is: expect one more chapter!**

**Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Textbook Romance**

Liara leaned back in her chair and rubbed the bridge of her nose with her right hand, trying to stave off a headache that seemed to linger at the forefront of her brain. However, a simultaneous yawn made her somewhat thankful for the pain in her head; at least it kept her from falling asleep at her desk again. If Feron caught her drooling over the terminal one more time because she had neglected to get proper sleep, he would likely inform Shepard and the commander would probably not wait until their scheduled video chats to scold Liara about it - she would likely come straight to the base and chastise Liara in person. Shepard didn't need any more distractions, especially not looking after Liara's health. Her team had successfully returned from the Omega 4 relay only two weeks ago, but there was plenty of work to be done in order to prepare against the arrival of the Reapers.

That also meant Liara had plenty of work to do if she wanted to find new leads for Shepard. The hours spent staring at the multiple terminals at her desk might be causing the splitting pain in her head, but she had to be thorough in her research. Shepard's life could depend on the information that she gave her. Bending back over her keyboard, Liara focused on the current collection of transcripts, articles, and notes left by the old Shadow Broker about his dealings with the collectors. The volume of material sometimes seemed endless.

As her concentration centered on the text in front of her, Liara heard the door to the room slide open and the footsteps of someone entering. She assumed it was Feron coming to see how she was doing, and she turned to ask him if he had had a chance to look at the files she had forwarded to him, but stopped when she saw who it was. Shepard walked casually towards her with a warm smile on her face, a duffel bag slung over one shoulder and a large canvas bag dangling in her right hand. Immediately appraising the situation, Liara noted the calm look on the commander's face, so obviously she was not here because Feron had expressed worry about Liara's overworking. Civilian attire: long black pants and a purple tank top, suggested that she was here for a personal visit, as did the two bags she carried.

Standing and crossing to meet her lover, Liara asked, "Shepard, what are you doing here?"

Surprisingly, the commander laughed and said, "Like you don't know." When Liara stared blankly at her, however, the mirthful look faded and she furrowed her brow in concern. Leaning down to set the two bags on the floor, Shepard's eyes never left the asari. "Liara... do you really not remember what day it is?"

_What day it is?_ she thought. _Why, it's... it's..._ Try as she might, Liara couldn't seem to recall the date. She'd spoken to Shepard two days ago via video, or maybe it was three days ago. Time sometimes became distorted on the Broker's base. When she continued to give Shepard a blank look, the commander frowned. She wrapped her arms around Liara's waist in a protective way and said, "It's your birthday."

"My - my birthday?" she stammered, the sudden realization transforming the pain in her head into a dull haze.

"Yeah. Remember, I said I would come over and cook you dinner?"

Glancing back at her desk and the unread files still on the terminal, Liara hesitantly replied, "Ah, yes, I remember..."

Following the asari's gaze, Shepard's frown deepened. With a sigh, she placed a finger underneath Liara's chin to direct her face back towards her and laid a chaste kiss on her lips. "Here's the deal," she said in a tone that brooked no argument. "I'll give you one hour to finish up whatever work you're doing." Raising an eyebrow she added, "That's one hour to _finish_ whatever you're doing, not start something new. Then you shut down these terminals and meet me in the common area where the kitchen is. I'll have dinner ready by then. Deal?"

Placing a hand on Shepard's bare arm, Liara felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. "Yes, Commander," she answered.

Stealing one more kiss before releasing Liara and picking up the bags at her feet, Shepard nodded towards the terminals as if to say "The hour starts now" and headed back for the door. Liara watched her go and then quickly returned to her desk to finish her work. Although the interruption was most inconvenient, she had to admit that she was glad for it.

~.~.~.~.~

Humming to herself as she set the canvas bag down on the counter, Shepard surveyed the kitchen in the common area that Liara and Feron shared. It wasn't the best kitchen Shepard had been in, with only a small stove and oven, a sink, and a single counter-space for food preparation, but it wasn't the worse either. She'd had to work miracles out in the field before with nothing but a campfire and a few packs of military provisions. It wasn't as if she was a spectacular chef anyway; cooking was just a hobby she practiced out of nostalgia for her years back on Mindoir. Her parents had not been particularly keen on cooking, but her second oldest brother, Andrew, had aspired to be a professional chef. He'd relished in passing on some of his knowledge to Shepard and she was more than happy to learn since she idolized both of her older brothers.

Sometimes it struck her how strange it seemed that although she had nothing tangible to remember her family by, she had carried them all with her by exhibiting some of their traits: Andrew's cooking, David's protective nature, Jamie's curiosity and openness to the unknown, her mother's love of literature, and her father's honest and sincere personality. The knowledge that those things could never be taken from her continued to be a source of comfort.

As she unpacked the provisions she had brought with her, Shepard went over the meal she planned to cook once more in her head. She'd asked Gardner for a couple of asari recipes, thinking of surprising Liara with something from her own culture, but ever the cautious one, she had decided to only try one of the recipes and make sure the main course was something she knew she couldn't screw up. Not that she had picked an easy entree, she mused as she set two prime steaks on the counter. Andrew had always said that chicken was great because it was hard to ruin - and if you managed to mess that up, then you should probably stop trying to cook - but it paled in comparison to the quality of a well cooked steak. Of course, it was fairly easy to badly cook red meat. He'd made sure his little sister could prepare a steak blindfolded though, so Shepard did not feel concerned over difficulty.

Uncorking one of the bottles of wine she'd bought, she let the steaks soak in the alcohol as she moved about the kitchen and prepared other parts of the meal. It felt strange, yet relaxing, to be doing something so pedestrian instead of the military activities in which she normally engaged. She fully intended to devote all her thoughts to her and Liara tonight - the galaxy could wait.

~.~.~.~.~

_Five minutes shy of the deadline_, Liara thought to herself as she headed towards the kitchen. _Not bad._ She could smell the food before she even saw the common room and her stomach rumbled with anticipation. Neither she nor Feron cooked, so the pair had been living off prepackaged meals; as a result, a hot meal was more than appreciated. When she entered the room, Shepard stood with her back to Liara and facing the stove. Scanning the area, Liara noticed that Shepard had already set out several plates of food on a low coffee table off to the left that rested in front of a lone couch. The Shadow Broker had apparently never intended to have guests, thus had not invested in a dining table.

Sneaking up behind Shepard, Liara wrapped her arms around the woman's waist and rested her head on her lover's shoulder, kissing her neck. Shepard's initial reaction was the tenseness that Liara had come to expect from someone with intense military training, but in the next second the commander leaned into the embrace.

Her hands never faltered in tending to the steaks sizzling in the pan on the stove, but she said, "You have good timing, T'soni. Dinner is just about ready."

Liara hummed in response and continued to explore the commander's neck with soft kisses. As the seconds passed, she could feel the muscles there tighten as Shepard clenched her jaw and struggled to concentrate on cooking. Amused by the soldier's determination to focus on the meal, Liara continued to try to draw Shepard's attention.

Finally, with a chuckle Shepard said, "Hey now, I may be able to cook a steak blindfolded, but this is kind of an unfair distraction, Liara. You want me to ruin your birthday dinner?"

Ceasing her affectionate display and pulling away with a smile, Liara answered, "No, I suppose not." Then she added with a sly tone, "I guess I can wait until after dinner." To prove that she could be patient, Liara took a seat by the low table where all the food had been set. She didn't say another word until Shepard walked over and set down the main course in front of her and also sat down across the table from her, tucking her legs beneath herself.

"This looks wonderful," she said. "It makes me realize just how much I missed your cooking."

"My people have a saying," Shepard replied, "that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." She chuckled slightly before adding, "I think it applies to just about anyone though. I've always thought that cooking for someone - friends, family, guests - was a good way to show affection for them."

Laughing, Liara cut into the steak on her plate. "Consider me wooed then." Taking a bite, she savored the taste before saying, "It is delicious, Shepard. And you have never made this for me before." Then after a moment of thought she added, "Speaking of which, will you make breakfast for me? I think I have missed that even more than dinner."

After a grin and a sip of her wine, Shepard answered, "Oh, is that an invitation to spend the night?"

"Like you had not already planned on it," Liara said with a roll of her eyes. Spotting the duffel bag resting beside the couch she pointed out, "You even brought your bag, Shepard."

Shepard casually waved her hand as if swatting away a trivial fact. "You know me, I like to be prepared. Besides, your birthday gifts are also in there."

Blinking rapidly, Liara said, "You got me a gift? I thought this was my birthday present."

"Two gifts, actually," Shepard corrected. "And I figured this was the first birthday I get to spend with you, so why not go all out?"

"I hope you did not go through too much trouble," Liara said, her tone holding a tinge of concern.

"Like punching a yahg in the face to win back the woman you love?" Shepard asked with humor in her voice. "No, nothing like that. I only had to go shopping."

Laughing, Liara answered, "I see your point. Well, now I am curious to see what you got me."

Shepard wagged a finger at the asari, saying, "You'll have to wait until after dinner, I'm afraid. So go ahead and eat up, T'soni."

~.~.~.~.~

After dinner, Shepard made Liara sit on the couch and dragged her duffel bag to rest at her feet. She sat at an angle so that their knees touched and took Liara's hands in hers. "Ok, so there's actually a specific reason I got you two gifts... The first gift is - well not exactly romantic, and I know that, but just bear with me, ok?" Liara gave Shepard a quizzical look as the commander pulled out a small metal case, silver and about a foot wide, and set it on her lap. Undoing the clasps on the front, she opened the lid to reveal a pistol similar to the one she carried.

With an expression that said 'I should have known,' Liara replied, "Really, Shepard? A gun?"

Chuckling nervously, the dark haired woman said, "Well, let's be fair: you should expect this from me. But hear me out first - I put a lot of work into this." Lifting the pistol out of the case and pointing to various aspects, she explained, "I spent an entire day selecting the best mods and even calling in favors to get some that aren't available to the public yet. My own gun isn't even this advanced. The normal heavy recoil of this model has been dampened without sacrificing any of the power. Firing rate has also been increased - it fires at a rate less than a submachine gun or assault rifle, but faster than any other pistol. I've also had the ammo capacity doubled." Her eyes shone with enthusiasm and it was clear that she was struggling not to delve into the technical aspects of the firearm at great length. She handed the pistol off to Liara, saying, "Here." As the asari examined the gun, Shepard added quietly, "I just wanted to make sure you were safe. Since I can't be with you all the time."

Turning the weapon over in her hands, Liara's blue eyes flowed from muzzle to grip, taking in the apparent craftsmanship. As her hand closed around the grip, she felt the impressions of writing etched into the surface. Lifting the gun closer so that she could see, she found an inscription etched onto the inside of the handle. The words were in Shepard's language, but she knew them by sight now: I love you sub specie aeternitatis.

When she raised her eyes to meet Shepard's gaze, the commander's expression was one of guardedness. Well aware that giving one's girlfriend a gun was not a traditional sign of affection, Shepard wondered how Liara would react. Tali had suggested going with something more conventional - or more specifically, "Something that isn't a weapon." Even Garrus, who Shepard thought would support the idea because of the practicality, had seemed slightly concerned. While he hinted that he wouldn't mind receiving a new rifle for his birthday, he had warned Shepard to have a back-up plan.

Watching Liara's face warily, the dark haired woman waited for a reaction. A smile broke across Liara's face suddenly and she laughed mirthfully. Relief brought a smile to Shepard's face as well - at least Liara didn't seem mad.

"You know," Liara said, chuckling all the while, "from anyone else this would be a really strange gift, but from you, I can see how this is actually very romantic."

The smile lit up Liara's face, her cheeks rounded as if to show off her freckles and the crinkles at her eyes accentuated the joy there. A quiet tenderness stirred in Shepard's heart as she thought that Liara looked incredibly beautiful in that moment.

Sighing with contentment, Liara added, "I can tell you put a lot of thought into this, Shepard. It is really very sweet." Placing her right hand on the commander's knee, Liara leaned over and brushed her lips against Shepard's cheek.

"I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear you say that," Shepard replied light-heartedly. "I was afraid you'd think I was a total lout who had no idea how to be romantic." Reaching back into the duffel bag, she pulled out a smaller parcel, solid black and clearly a jewelry box. Liara set the gun back in its container and eyed Shepard with curiosity. "But, you know me, I always have a back-up, just in case." Offering the box to Liara, Shepard flashed a triumphant grin. "This is to prove that I _can_ be romantic in the traditional way."

When Liara opened the box she saw a single necklace, a braided silver chain with a sapphire pendant that matched the color of her eyes. Her breath caught at the sight of it. She stammered something incoherent, to which Shepard just smiled and leaned over to pluck the piece of jewelry out of the box. Hands brushing against Liara's collarbone, Shepard fastened the clasps for the necklace and let it hang around the asari's throat. Her violet eyes traveled from the sapphire to the equal vibrancy of Liara's eyes.

"I'll admit," Shepard said with humor, "that looks better on you than a gun. I couldn't find a color of steel to match your eyes."

Liara didn't say anything, but stared at Shepard with an unreadable expression. As the silence lagged on, Shepard felt increasingly unsure of herself and what Liara might be thinking. Maybe she'd misjudged the situation and Liara wasn't the type of woman to appreciate jewelry. Maybe she preferred the pragmatism of the gun over something decorative like a necklace. Maybe she was even offended that Shepard thought she would be charmed by something so expected. Doubt began to eat away at the commander's confidence; just moments before she had felt sure that she was succeeding at being an excellent girlfriend - dinner, a gun, and a necklace: it was practically textbook romance. Well, maybe not the gun, but that wasn't the gift that seemed to be throwing Liara for a daze.

"Uh... Liara?" Shepard ventured, leaning closer and trying to study the asari's face in hopes of discovering meaning. Liara remained as impassive as before, seeming to stare past Shepard as if lost in thought. Fearing that she had somehow managed to ruin the first birthday they would share together, Shepard said, "I'm sorry, Liara. I can take it back if you don't like it." She reached out to undo the necklace and return it to the box, but Liara suddenly moved, her hand resting over the pendant and she looked startled as if awoken from a trance. Shepard froze when those blue eyes fixed on her and she waited for Liara to tell her what she had done wrong.

Surprise replaced unease when Liara practically pounced on Shepard, hands pressing against the commander's shoulders and fiercely pressing their lips together. An exclamation of alarm became a grunt as Shepard's shoulder blades hit the armrest of the couch. While her brain struggled to figure out what had just happened, her body reacted to the familiar desire and she returned the passionate kiss. Liara's body pressed down on top of Shepard and she wrapped her arms around her lover's waist to draw her even closer. Yet, she quickly gave up trying to compete for any kind of control as Liara's hunger fiercely dominated her own.

When her mind finally caught up with the situation she realized that Liara obviously _did_ like the necklace. Liara could certainly be rapacious when she wanted to be, but the intensity of this kiss was almost overpowering. Not that Shepard would complain. Rational thought vanished as Liara's hands explored Shepard's body and her own body pressed the commander deeper into the cushions of the couch. Several minutes passed before Shepard even considered their location or that they weren't alone on the ship. Feron shared this area with Liara and if he happened to walk in... They were still clothed - for now - but she doubted the drell would appreciate such a surprise. She still felt slightly guilty about her jealousy towards him originally and wanting to fight him for Liara. Though he didn't know she had felt violent towards him at one point, she had vowed to make an effort to be courteous towards him. He was Liara's friend after all.

Liara pressed her lips against Shepard's neck, picking up where she had left off before dinner. As the dark haired woman attempted to clear her throat in order to speak, she was mortified that the sound came out as more of a whimper. Even when she spoke, her voice seemed strained with the effort to concentrate on anything rational.

"Uh... Liara... perhaps... um..." Her words faltered as her brain continuously drifted back to the feel of Liara's lips against her skin, the softness of her hand against her bare arm, the heat of her body pressing down on her. Shepard's heart seemed to beat out of control. Trying to remember what she wanted to say was like dragging an anchor through the water. Her thoughts lagged behind her senses and she found herself fighting to remember why what she had to say was even important. "Liara, wait a minute," she pleaded, her voice sounding meek even to herself.

Not ceasing her affections, Liara simply hummed, "Hm?"

Shepard felt like a pyjak caught in a varren's jaws. "Don't you share... this uh... uh... room with Feron?" she asked, trying to order her own thoughts. The statement did not seem to register with Liara who had no reaction to it. Closing her eyes and forcing herself to concentrate, Shepard added, "Do you - do you think we should... um..." _God, what did I want to say?_ "Maybe we should go to your room?"

That seemed to catch Liara's attention. She pulled back enough to glance at the door and then back at Shepard. Her face showed that she had realized what Shepard meant to imply about this being a shared space. She bit her bottom lip as she once more gazed at the door, no doubt calculating the distance to her room; it was only down the hall, less than a hundred paces. Suddenly, Liara was on her feet, yanking Shepard by the hand after her. Shepard grinned as she let Liara lead her out the door and down the hall.


	9. Magna est Veritas PART I

**You may have noticed that this chapter is called "Magna est Veritas PART I." I decided to split this particular part of the story into two chapters for a couple of reasons. 1) It is really, really long. And I'm not even done with it yet. Which brings me to reason number 2) I feel bad for keeping you guys waiting (since I know my update time is usually much faster than this) and I wanted to give you **_**something**_** so you aren't waiting on me for a god awful amount of time. And reason 3) I'm not done with the second part and I won't be done for a while. I really wasn't sure whether to go ahead and post this, but I decided to since I will be gone tomorrow for the whole weekend (which also means if you have any questions, I won't be able to answer them until I get back) and then super busy next week. I'm not yet sure when I'll have time to complete part 2, so this is my peace offering to you guys. This is all lead-up stuff though. The big decisions that Shep makes will all be in the next chapter.**

**Like previous chapters, the story is cut into segments denoted by the ~.~.~.~.~ I had to pick and choose what I wanted to cover from Arrival and what I wanted to add. Also, those who read "All Things Pass" might remember that I try hard to never use Shepard's first name in my stories. The reason is that I tend to find it distracting, especially if it doesn't serve a purpose. Well, to my surprise and chagrin, I discovered that my Shep's name became incredibly important to the story, and to accomplish what I want with this plotline, I pretty much have to use it. Hopefully, you can excuse me for this, and hopefully it will become abundantly clear (if not in this chapter, then the next) why I had to use her name.**

**Ok, a couple last notes. First, the title is taken for a Stevie Smith poem (of course) and the full title is really "Magna est Veritas et Praevalebit," which means, "Truth is great and will prevail." I wanted to deal a lot in this chapter with the truth, and how Shepard either faces reality or hides from it. Second, my author's note for the next chapter will be at the end of that chapter. This is because I don't want to spoil anything by saying what I want to say at the beginning. Alright, that's all I needed to say so go ahead and read :). Hope you enjoy!**

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Magna est Veritas (PART I)**

She wore Alliance blue.

She didn't know what she hoped to gain by doing it - maybe she thought doing a favor for Admiral Hackett would encourage the Alliance to reinstate her, or maybe she thought that she could prove in some way that she was not a traitor - but she knew that wearing the blue and white felt right. Like donning a familiar set of casual clothes after wearing formal wear all day or eating a home cooked meal after living off military provisions for months. No matter how many times the Alliance had turned its back on her, she wanted to be a part of it again. It seemed impossible to separate her identity from her status as a marine, a protector of humanity; it was easier than identifying herself with the horror of Mindoir and the little girl who couldn't fight back.

Admiral Hackett's sudden request had surprised her, but she had been more than happy to accept. Serving the Alliance, finding information on the Reapers, and killing batarians sounded like a worthwhile mission. Her only doubts came from the fact that she had to go in solo. Shepard was confident enough in her ability to think she could rescue Dr. Kenson on her own, but it never hurt to have an extra pair of eyes watching your back, and keeping your moral compass in check. Perhaps that was what she wanted the most. She knew that her temper got out of control around batarians, that she thought irrationally and did things she otherwise wouldn't do, and she doubted she could restrain herself on her own. With no one to call her back if she stepped over the line, she had no idea how far she might go.

She'd called Liara almost immediately after talking to Hackett, setting up a video feed on her personal terminal while she sat pensively in the chair in her office. Her first thought when Liara's face appeared on the screen was that the woman looked tired; not something Shepard liked to see. But now wasn't the time to discuss overworking. The commander had specific reasons for calling.

"Hey, Liara," she said warmly, though her face showed that she remained preoccupied with her thoughts.

"Hi, Shepard," Liara answered, giving a smile that seemed to break up some of the tiredness in her eyes. "I was not expecting to hear from you again so soon after our last video chat." Pausing to study Shepard's expression she added, "Is this about the call you received from Admiral Hackett?"

Shepard almost chuckled. She still wasn't used to Liara knowing every scrap of information before she had the chance to inform her. While Shepard still didn't like the idea of Liara being the Shadow Broker, the asari was good at the job. It certainly saved her time in explaining things. "Yes. I guess you know what he wanted to talk to me about?"

Liara leaned towards something off camera. She seemed to be sorting through files on a different terminal. "I know the basics," Liara answered. "I have been watching the files of all the top Alliance officials, Admiral Hackett especially. Your name was tagged in a few of his files in relation to a batarian system." She hesitated slightly with those last few words; she was well aware of Shepard's feelings about batarians. "There was also some interesting information that could have been about Reapers. None of his files say it plainly, but he definitely seems to be indicating something of that sort."

Nodding, Shepard replied, "Yeah, he wants me to go and rescue some doctor from a batarian prison. Apparently she has evidence about the Reaper arrival. He wants me to go in alone. I accepted the mission."

She hesitated, not sure what she should say next. Filling the awkward gap in conversation, Liara asked, "Alone?" Worry tinged her voice. "I know you will be fine, I mean, you can take care of yourself, but..."

Forcing a reassuring smile, Shepard said, "I know, Liara. Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid." _I hope_. Then, almost muttering it to herself she added, "It's not really my safety I'm worried about..."

The asari's expression suddenly lit with understanding and she thought for a long moment. "I assume Admiral Hackett wants you to be discreet? I imagine the Alliance does not want to start a war with the batarians."

"He asked me to be stealthy," Shepard said with a shrug, but her tone was too casual. There was an itch in the back of her mind, a foreboding feeling. Clearing her throat, she asked, "Can you give me info about the Bahak system? Maybe what the batarians are doing out there?"

There was uncertainty in Liara's eyes and it was apparent that she was considering whether to tell Shepard what she knew or not. The potential to add fuel to Shepard's hate certainly gave her pause. But eventually she leaned over to another terminal and brought up some files. "There are about three hundred thousand people in that system. All concentrated on one planet, the same one where the prison is located." She continued to scan the information while Shepard drummed her fingers on her desk, trying to give the impression that she wasn't bristling with disgust while she imagined that many batarians. "It looks like the colony on the planet is mainly a military outpost." Her voice audibly strained as she relayed that data. It worsened with the next bit. "Apparently only ninety thousand of the estimated population are free citizens..."

Shepard's jaw clenched, but she tried to keep her face impassive. She didn't think Liara bought the act though. Ninety thousand citizens meant the majority of the population was comprised of slaves - some batarian, but plenty more of all different races. The commander's pulse picked up and the muscles in her arm tensed; her entire body wanted to lash out at the slavers. If she got her hands on any of the batarians...

Struggling to keep her voice neutral, she said, "Do you have any idea what they're doing? What their plans are?"

Biting her lower lip, Liara eyed Shepard warily before looking back at her files. "There are a lot of communications between military personnel on the planet... It is hard to tell whether they are setting up to defend against the Alliance or make an attack. Maybe both. Most of the recent communications are about a Doctor Kenson and smuggling."

Shepard had heard enough, or about as much as she could take without visibly becoming enraged. Rising to her feet abruptly, the commander said, "Thanks Liara. I need to tell Joker to set a course for the system. I'll call you when I get back from the mission." Her hand hovered over the disconnect button.

"Shepard," Liara said, her voice filled with uncertainty. The dark haired woman waited, though she knew exactly what Liara wanted to say. A silent conversation filled the space between them. This was a road they seemed to walk constantly, the line between responsibility and revenge. Shepard had killed people before, for various reasons, but this was a different kind of problem. She couldn't let this go. Faced with a batarian slaver Shepard couldn't choose right from wrong. She couldn't see the line anymore because it wasn't there for her. Killing a batarian was not right and it was not wrong. It was simply what she wanted. What her blood demanded from her. Because of that morals didn't matter in the equation: what mattered was that she was a slave to her own revenge.

And Liara knew. She knew all too well now. Killing the Shadow Broker had maybe been the right thing to do, but that hadn't been the reason why she did it. Vengeance had consumed her to the point where she had become a different person and she could never be her old self again. And this new person, this darker person, had done things the old Liara never would have done. This new part of herself had the capacity to hurt Shepard - had hurt Shepard - in a way she never could have before. They both knew it. They knew it, and accepted it now. Yet, the more time an individual spent trapped by the lust for revenge, the more they could be changed and the more capacity for harm they developed. Liara knew this. Shepard knew this. And yet she also knew that so far she had been losing the battle to overcome her desire for vengeance.

Staring at one another, separated by millions of light-years and unspoken words, they both knew that Shepard would lose that battle again.

"I'll call you when I get back," Shepard promised again before ending the transmission.

~.~.~.~.~

Restraint: it was nearly killing her. Or, at least, it felt that way to Shepard as she crouched behind a stack of crates and watched two batarian guards converse about attacking human colonies. _I should have the Normandy bomb this wretched place from orbit_, she thought to herself as her violet eyes examined the guards and pinpointed weaknesses in their armor. _Two shots. Two shots and they could both be dead. That's two less batarians in this galaxy and perhaps countless humans saved_. As her hand twitched towards her gun she had to force herself to stop. Alerting the batarians to her presence could endanger Dr. Kenson and if the doctor died, then so would her chances of joining the Alliance again.

Continuing on her way, trying to ignore the rage snaking through her bloodstream, Shepard finally located Dr. Kenson. A lone interrogator stood in her path and she could see no way around killing him to get to the doctor. At that thought a wicked smile spread across her face: finally, a lucky break. People often wondered why Shepard seemed to get along with krogans so well - this average height, lithe woman with a cautious nature who never rushed into battle without a plan. Those people didn't understand the intoxication of bloodlust, the capability of a clenched fist to hold all the power and hate in one's body and release it in one explosive moment. The pure power of that desire, the cleansing of the soul through utter destruction.

Her blood screamed for it before her foot even connected with the back of the batarian's knees. His legs buckled, dropping him to a kneel as if bowing to royalty, before she seized his head and brought his momentum back so that his spine connected with her upraised knee. The absolute savagery of the attack filled her with pleasure. Kicking the limp body over with her right foot, she drew her pistol and shot him square in the chest. With the batarian's barriers already down, the bullet left a charred, smoking hole.

When she finally turned her attention to the gray haired woman strapped to an interrogation device across the room, she saw that Dr. Kenson's mouth gaped in shock. However, the enthralling nature of the rage still held Shepard firmly in its grasp. The commander merely smirked with satisfaction, her eyes holding a clear message: every batarian in that prison would die.

~.~.~.~.~

The visions in her head howled to be acknowledged, dragged her sanity kicking and screaming to the brink. Images flashed through her mind and she couldn't tell which she had seen with her own eyes and which had been planted in her brain by other sources. A heavy mech exploded and the flaming shrapnel rained from the heavens like a thousand meteorites, twisting and transforming over the Earth's atmosphere to become a horde of Reapers. As she watched in terror, a sob buried somewhere down in her throat, the vision vanished to become Dr. Kenson's face pressed close, her eyes glowing in an unnatural way.

She was shouting, giving orders, but the words were distorted and strangely distant. Shepard tried to remember what she had been doing right before the splitting throbbing in her head had taken over and her vision became a mix of things real and imaginary. Failing to recall that, her mind resorted back to the last info about Dr. Kenson that she could remember. Rescue the doctor: rejoin the Alliance. That was what her brain told her. She struggled to rise to her feet - she couldn't even feel her legs - she had to protect the doctor. A small voice in her head questioned whether the doctor even needed protecting, she seemed to be commanding a bunch of other humans around them, but the voice faded as soon as it came. A quivering hand reached out towards the doctor before pain blossomed like a rose in the back of Shepard's head. Then blackness.

The next thing she could see was a mostly white room with medical equipment. Her eyes rolled around in her head and she caught the glimpse of a window with a shadow staring in at her. Darkness again and then she found herself in a thinly wooded area, trees providing shade under the sun's powerful heat. She was sixteen years old, black hair long, hanging loose down to her bottom, and she wore only shorts and her high school t-shirt. She could feel cold water rushing over the tops of her feet, almost knee deep in the local creek with a metal bucket hanging from her left hand while her right searched the water for the creatures called Arkfish that were native to Mindoir. The critters, which looked like a mix between a crustacean with two clawed forelegs attached to a fishes' tail, were not good for anything really, but the local children liked to catch them in the summer and keep them as pets in makeshift aquariums hidden from the adults.

"I don't want to catch one if it's slimy," Jamie whined from a few paces away, also hunched over the water, peering into the swiftly moving current. Sophia's little sister had surprisingly blonde hair that looked nothing like the teenager's dark locks. Their mother styled the eleven-year-old's hair in two braids that hung down by her ears, and she stared at the world with big, brown eyes that seemed to take in everything at once. The family often joked that Sophia and Jamie must have switched eyes because the deep violet appeared out of place next to the complete blackness of Sophia's hair while Jamie's brown eyes did not match the lightness of her tresses.

"You catch it with the bucket," Shepard pointed out. "Besides, what would David say if he heard you say that?" Their oldest brother had a reputation for being protective of his sisters, but also insistent that they be tough and able to protect themselves whenever he was not around.

Jamie sighed, but nodded. Mere seconds later Sophia saw her jump with excitement and leap headfirst with the bucket into the water after an Arkfish. The scene faded to be quickly replaced by a familiar vision of a planet besieged, fires raging out of control and the sun hidden by the smoke in the sky. Beings, that she knew to be the protheans, screamed all around her and ran for shelter. Somewhere up above, hidden amongst the black smoke, the Reapers rained down lasers of immense power, razing the planet to the ground. The stench of death filled her nostrils nearly causing her stomach to heave.

Suddenly she was back home again, young and innocent and unaware of what the Reapers were. She'd changed into her chore clothes, the handed-down, rust colored, cargo pants that she kept around her waist with a tight, brown belt. She wore a white tank top, sweat glistening on her bare arms in the summer sun. A red bandana hung around the bottom part of her face to keep from breathing in the particles of grass and dirt that flew into the air as she steered the riding mower over the field of grass next to the family home. Sophia didn't mind the work, but she thought that is was boring, better suited for a robot, but her family wasn't wealthy enough to afford that.

A flash of light from the sky caught her attention and she shaded her eyes to make out what it was. Something metal plummeted from the clouds just over the town center. She watched as it disappeared behind the trees and then a ball of fire erupted from the earth, spewing out a cloud of dust and flames. All at once a tremor shook the ground and a roar filled her ears. She felt herself jarred from the seat of the mower and thrown down forcefully. Sophia just managed to roll away as the back blades of the machine sliced where her arm had been moments before. Staggering to her feet, she stared dumbly at the fading fire-cloud in the distance as the mower continued to rumble off on its own, completely forgotten.

Taking a step forward she found herself suddenly in the house, Jamie clinging to her side, burying her little face in Sophia's shirt. They stood on the other side of the screen door, staring out at David's back as he blocked the door. He had a baseball bat in his hand and stood coiled and ready to spring forward. As Sophia stared at his broad shoulders she remembered with a start that her parents were already dead. They'd tried to distract the invaders, lead them away from the house and the children. Batarians, her father had shouted over the din, but Sophia didn't know what a batarian was. She'd never seen an alien before. And these people attacking her home looked strangely human in their armor and helmets.

Hugging Jamie closer to herself and peering around David's frame, Sophia could see one of the batarians in armor approaching, a rifle held in both hands, stalking forward like a hungry predator. David shifted his weight, shouted something back at his sisters, but Sophia was too stunned by fear to move. Thirty paces, then twenty, the batarian closed the distance quickly, raising his rifle and pointing it at her brother. Her soul lurched forward but her feet remained glued to the spot. She wanted desperately to drag her brother inside, to make the batarian go away and leave them all alone. But she was a sixteen year old girl who still counted on her oldest brother to protect her.

A flash of metal and the ringing of steel striking steel. Her other brother, Andrew, had snuck up behind the batarian and swung a shovel against its head. The invader staggered under the blow and its helmet twisted so that the visor stared somewhere off to the right. Andrew, tall and slender, not the broad shouldered protector that David had always been, raised the shovel again, but the batarian's arm raised blindly in the direction of his attacker and he fired. The bullet found its mark, ripping through Andrew's chest and the young man froze, shovel dropping from his hands as he crumpled to his knees. Sophia screamed, Jamie wailed, tears soaking through the teenager's shirt.

Reaching under its damaged helmet, the batarian ripped off the visor and threw it on the ground. When it turned to face the children again, Sophia was horrified to see an older version of herself staring back at her with a sadistic grin spread across her face. David raised the bat and rushed forward, swinging the weapon at the attacker - at her. Sophia screamed even louder. Her cry became a chorus of a million voices all screaming out in pain and anguish, and she knew the sound to be all the innocents who had suffered and would suffer when the Reapers arrived.

Awaking with a start, Shepard felt her stomach lurch, nausea twisting her guts. With a groan, she rolled over, only to fall off a medical table and land uneasily on her feet. Using the table for support, she willed her eyes to focus as two shadowy figures inched towards her. Images from the dream continued to flash in her head, reminding her of the fear still coursing its way through her blood. She had to remind herself that she wasn't sixteen, that she wasn't on her home planet, that she wasn't Sophia Shepard anymore. She was Commander Shepard and she had to fight the Reapers.

Her blurry vision sharpened just enough for her to make out two men approaching her with outstretched arms to grab and restrain her. Biding her time, Shepard pretended like she couldn't stand on her own and made a show of letting her knees buckle. The men rushed forward with abandoned caution to catch her and she lashed out suddenly, striking both across the face with a backhanded forearm strike. While their heads were no doubt spinning, the commander popped the closest man's knee with a vicious kick before grabbing the other's head and bringing it to meet her own upraised knee. As he crumpled to the floor, she made sure to slam the still conscious guard's head against the floor.

From the other room, behind a giant observation window, a medical technician screamed into the intercom that Shepard had awoken. The woman had set up a barrier on the door, preventing the commander from reaching her. Taking a look around the room, Shepard noticed an open terminal. Approaching the keyboard as the technician shouted at her to stay away, Shepard quickly accessed the open systems that the computer was linked to. Noticing a control panel for the mechs in the med-bay, she activated one and reprogrammed it to attack the medical technician and disable the barrier.

Her body acted on its own while her mind struggled to focus on the present. Echoes of the dream, of the things both real and imaginary, combated her efforts to make sense of the situation. She listened, stoic and stone faced, to the chief medical officer's report that Shepard had been drugged for nearly two days. It certainly explained her nausea and hallucinatory nightmares. She found other records, detailing the treatments received for the injuries she had sustained during the firefight over Object Rho. While Shepard was no doctor, she knew a quick patch-up job when she saw it, and when she lifted her shirt to reveal the line of stitches just under her left floating rib, she knew that the suture would not hold under pressure. For that, she had to hand it to her enemies. While they no doubt had to keep her alive in order to hand over to the Reapers, they knew better than to do too good of a job correcting her injuries; too much exertion on Shepard's part and the wound would rip open, leaving her seriously wounded. Letting her shirt fall back down over her stomach, Shepard sighed; there wasn't much she could do about that now.

She found the weapons locker, with her weapons and armor, and quickly geared up while glancing occasionally at the countdown ticker above the doorway. Just under two hours before the Reapers arrived. _I have to activate The Project_, she thought. _We're not ready to fight the Reapers yet_. But even as she tried to concentrate on that task, her other thoughts leaked into her focus. With sadness she found herself thinking of the final part of the dream. _Andrew... why didn't you just run? You could still be alive if you had just stayed hidden_. Yet, she knew the answer: he wanted to protect his family. Shaking her head she thought, _No. Stop thinking about that. It's not important right now. You have to stop the Reapers, Shepard. There's no other way_. A soft voice in the back of her head shot back, _No other way than sacrificing three hundred thousand people. Three hundred thousand batarians_. Strapping on the last piece of her armor, Shepard angrily told the voice, _I don't have a choice. It has to be done. I knew sacrifices would have to be made. I'm just doing what I have to_. All the small voice whispered in reply was, _Except this isn't a sacrifice. You want this._

Gritting her teeth, Shepard headed for the door. She needed to find the control room and activate The Project. "It doesn't matter," she said aloud, as if that made the words more true. "It has to be done."


	10. Magna est Veritas PART II

**Magna est Veritas (PART II)**

"Shepard's heading for the control room. Stop her!" Kenson's voice screeched over the loudspeakers as Shepard ducked behind a wall for cover and began exchanging fire with a group of soldiers. Flashbang grenades exploded around her, but her own tactics of keeping her attackers off balance via a mixture of tech and biotics seemed to be working. So far the commander had managed to keep distance between her and the soldiers, and it was clear from their body language and the snippets she could hear over their radios that they were terrified of her advance. Alone as she was, Shepard desperately needed any ally she could find, fear included.

The suture at her left side prevented her a full range of motion and occasionally reminded her of its presence by feeling ready to rip open. Every step forward caused her lips to curl into a cringe, and she found herself barking out small grunts of pain that if her enemies heard would probably encourage them to press harder.

"Regroup and stop Shepard!" Kenson screamed again. Wrinkling her nose with disgust, Shepard thought to herself that whenever she caught up with the doctor again, she would put a bullet in the woman's brain. Not only because her voice had gotten on Shepard's last nerve, but the woman was clearly indoctrinated. Being drugged for the past two days had left the commander with a splitting headache, which Kenson insisted on worsening - now Shepard's temper was at its end.

As the last soldier in her path fell, Shepard cautiously approached the control panel, observing the multiple buttons and data displayed on the screen and hoping there was an AI to help her. Praying that the computer would answer her, Shepard said, "I want to activate The Project."

Thankfully, a pleasant artificial voice replied, "The Project is ready for activation. Warning: activating The Project will result in an estimated three hundred five thousand civilian deaths. Do you wish to continue?"

A red button appeared before Shepard on the control panel as the terminal flashed a number at her: 304, 942. The number was enough to give her pause. A lot of deaths. A lot of deaths at her hands.

And she was surprised that she felt nothing.

She'd hoped to at least feel sadness that so many would have to be sacrificed to delay the Reapers. Guilt would have been the ideal emotion - it would have indicated that she was human, normal. She wanted desperately to feel differently, to be a good person; but wanting and actually feeling were two separate things. It was like wanting to cry at a funeral, but not being able to. Intellectually she knew that there had to be innocent batarians: men, women, and children who had done nothing wrong, who had never thought of hurting another person. There had to be batarians who didn't want to attack humans, who wanted to live peacefully. Intellectually it was so easy to agree with what Kaidan had once said, that they were jerks and saints just like us. But in reality, all she could see in her mind's eye was David shielding his younger sisters with nothing but a baseball bat, Andrew falling to the ground with a smoking hole in his chest, and a bomb razing her hometown to the ground. She saw her face in place of the batarian slaver as well, and she knew that she was afraid of becoming what she hated; but her hate was stronger than that fear.

Shepard was equally aware that only ninety thousand of the civilians in the system were even batarian citizens. The rest were slaves - probably mostly human - and they would die alongside the slavers. For them, Shepard did feel pity, but only the same pity she had felt when Liara first told her of the slave population. Once she activated The Project, the commander could try to warn the civilians of the impending destruction, giving some the chance to escape, but she knew that none of the slaves would live. Their batarian masters would evacuate and leave the slaves to die. If that was the case, Shepard preferred that they all died rather than only the batarians survive.

And so, even though Shepard wanted to feel something, wanted to be the better person and see the batarians as lives worthy of consideration, she pressed the button still feeling nothing. Immediately, she had her hand at her ear and called to Joker to pick her up from the doomed station. Kenson interrupted the transmission, screeching at Shepard with that still grating voice and running off to overload the ship core. Frowning and drawing her pistol, Shepard realized that she still had one last problem to deal with.

~.~.~.~.~

She could feel blood seeping from under her left, floating rib and trickling down her leg. The under armor jumpsuit slowed the flow of blood, absorbing some of it, but enough was pouring forth to catch her attention despite her mad dash to find an escape shuttle. She knew that the stitches in her side had ripped open during the explosion, courtesy of the deranged doctor, and had only been exacerbated by her efforts to flee the station. Thankful that she had brought the Cain and managed to clear the entire loading dock with one nuclear shot, she limped towards the communications tower - now the only source of salvation.

Once she activated the tower, she opened a channel to the Normandy and said, "Shepard to Normandy. Joker do you read me?" Silence on the other end of the line, and Shepard cursed under her breath. Just as she was about to try to hail the Normandy again, a gold light caught her eye. She turned just as the light seemed to unfold and became the image of a Reaper, landing nearby, its multiple glowing eyes staring straight at her.

A familiar voice, Harbinger's voice, rumbled clearly in her ears despite the vacuum of space. "Shepard. You have become an annoyance."

She stepped away from the tower and towards Harbinger, recalling when she had spoken to Sovereign on Virmire. She'd been terrified after that conversation, when everything she thought about the mission had been twisted in a matter of minutes. Now, she knew about the Reapers, and was familiar with their threats.

"You fight against inevitability. Dust struggling against cosmic winds. This seems a victory to you, a star system sacrificed, but even now your greatest civilizations are doomed to fall. Your leaders will beg to serve us."

Shepard stood with most of her weight on her right leg, trying to lessen the pressure placed on her left side. She resisted the temptation to place a hand over the wound, as if she could hold it closed through her armor. Now was not the time to appear weak. She spoke in a steely voice that said she would not bandy words about with the Reaper. "I don't doubt your power. I've seen firsthand what you monsters are capable of. But you and I both know what I'm capable of, and we both know that when you arrive the civilizations of the galaxy will fight. Maybe we'll win, and maybe we'll lose, but know this: even if you win in the end, I'll make you pay for it."

When Harbinger replied he sounded slightly agitated - or maybe Shepard was hearing what she wanted to in his voice. But he had certainly heard her threat and wanted to make one of his own. "Know this as you die in vain: your time will come. Your species will fall. Prepare yourselves for the arrival." The glowing form melted into the backdrop of space, the piercing eyes lingering for a second in the emptiness.

Letting out her pent up breath, Shepard allowed her right hand to drift over her wound as she stood contemplating. Suddenly a voice in her ear jerked her from her thoughts. "Commander Shepard, this is the Normandy SR2. We are locked onto your position." The woman's head snapped up to see the Normandy flying in overhead, coming down to run parallel to the platform. Clenching her teeth and taking a sharp intake of air, she pushed herself to run alongside the ship, eyes locked onto the port-side door. Carefully timing her strides, she reached the edge of the platform just as the open door appeared before her, and jumped into the chamber. When the doors shut tight behind her, she leaned against the metal wall and took a few gulps of air. She was finally safe.

Yet, her moment of rest was short-lived. Within seconds the airlock had filled with oxygen and the door near the cockpit opened. She limped out in time to see the Normandy approaching the mass relay through the front windows, followed by a small lurch as the ship jumped into the mass effect field and began leaping across space. Turning the other way, Shepard headed towards the galaxy map, hand clutching her wounded side. She still had one more thing to do before this mission could be over. She had to see it through completely.

Joker's voice called out after her. "Commander! Are you ok?"

She ignored him and said, "EDI, bring up the Bahak system on the galaxy map."

Only a momentary pause before the AI answered, "Yes, Commander."

Shepard continued to limp around the right side of the map until she came to the platform and climbed up to see the display of the system. She could feel Kelly's eyes following her, studying every painful wince or uneasy movement, but the woman remained thankfully silent. Gripping the handle in front of her, as much to prepare herself for what she would see as to keep herself upright, Shepard's violet eyes stared unwavering at the image of the only planet that contained people in the system. On the edge of the map, a sudden ripple formed, spreading out and engulfing planet after planet. As the ripple hit a planet, it glowed red and then faded from the display. Shepard watched as the planet she had been on only days before was swallowed by the ripple and disappeared. Eventually, the entire system dimmed.

She breathed heavily, but more from the pain in her side than anything else. She still felt nothing inside, not even a shred of remorse for the lives she had sacrificed. _I'm a monster_, she thought. _I can't feel even a scrap of sadness for so many deaths_. At least she didn't feel happy either. She just felt empty.

Turning away from the map, she gripped her side a little tighter as she pushed off from the rail and began to head down the ramp. The ground seemed to shift before her and she had a hard time remaining balanced. As the adrenaline in her bloodstream lessened, she felt suddenly light-headed. _Blood loss, no doubt_. The thought skidded calmly across the surface of her mind. It felt like someone else's thought, so detached. Just as she made this realization, she became aware that something warm oozed between the fingers of her right hand. She turned her hand over slightly and bright crimson glared up at her. The blood loss must have been greater than she thought if it was seeping through the gaps in her armor.

As she reached the end of the ramp, she stumbled and fell, just as Kelly asked, "Commander, are you alright?" Shepard found herself on her knees, left hand helping to support her weight as she stared down at the floor. Her right hand still pressed against the wound, though she doubted she was getting any pressure to it beneath the armor. Droplets of blood did leak through the lining of her armor though, creating a kaleidoscope mural on the floor in her blurred vision. In an instant the red headed woman was at her side, hands hovering over the commander's shoulders as if she were afraid to touch her. "Shepard! You're bleeding!"

Sweat from the effort of biting back the pain and staying conscious rolled down Shepard's face and coalesced at the tip of her chin. Her left arm quivered weakly and she knew that she might black out soon. "Kelly," she said, her voice incredibly gentle and civil, more so than she had ever been with the woman before; she decided that she had been a wicked enough person for one day. She would try to be a good one for the rest of it. "Would you get Dr. Chakwas for me?"

Kelly's mouth hung open for a moment before she jumped to her feet and ran to her terminal. She called down to the med-bay frantically, but Shepard could barely hear the words let alone make them out. Her body finally gave out from her exhaustion and she collapsed onto her right side, eyes drifting closed.

~.~.~.~.~

She awoke feeling surprisingly numb. Light flooded her vision as she opened her eyes and found herself staring up at an assortment of medical equipment far above her head. Her eyes remained slits so that she could pretend to be unconscious until she could remember what was happening. Instinct warned her that enemies could be anywhere. But slowly she recalled that she was on the Normandy, safe and likely in the med-bay. Groaning slightly, she rose into a sitting position, finding that she was indeed on one of the Normandy's examination tables and Dr. Chakwas sat at her desk only feet away. The doctor turned her head at the noise and quickly rose to her feet, crossing over to the commander.

"Commander, you're awake," she said happily. "You had everyone worried."

"Myself included," Shepard mumbled. She found that she was wearing a paper hospital gown of sorts, her hair down around her shoulders. Frowning, she knew that both things were probably unavoidable, given her injuries, but she did not like being seen with her hair down or in such a vulnerable condition. The only person she felt comfortable allowing to see her in such a state was Liara, and she was certainly not present. "Thanks for whatever drugs you gave me," Shepard added with a hint of humor in her voice. "They're working wonders. I can't feel a thing."

Chuckling, Chakwas replied, "I'm not surprised you're glad about that. That gash in your side was really a piece of work."

Turning serious, Shepard said, "Where are we now? How long was I out?"

Sidling back over to her desk Chakwas said, "We're drifting around the Omega Nebula for now. You've been out for about a day." She picked up a datapad at her desk and came back over, handing it to the Commander. "There's my medical report. Feel free to browse through it."

Taking the pad, Shepard quickly scanned the document. She saw the things she expected, records of minor surgery to close the wound, a list of drugs used to sedate and dull pain, and a list of other smaller injuries. She also noticed that Doctor Chakwas had noted that Shepard had not eaten in days (true since she had been sedated for most of them) and had been given nutritional supplements.

While she continued to read the report, Chakwas cleared her throat and added, "Something else you should know, Shepard. Admiral Hackett is aboard the ship. He wants to see you when you're ready."

The dark haired woman's head snapped up and she looked as if the doctor had just told her that she had cancer. Hackett? Here? What would he say about the mission? Dr. Kenson was dead, by her own hand, and an entire batarian system had been wiped off the map. No doubt he would not be pleased.

Seeing the commander's expression, Chakwas said quietly, "I can tell him you aren't fit to receive visitors right now if you'd prefer. I told him that I would tell him when it would be appropriate to speak to you."

Reluctantly, Shepard shook her head. "Thanks, but I'll talk to him now. There's no reason to keep him waiting."

Sighing, the doctor went over to a locker and opened the metal door. "I figured you'd say that. Well, I took the liberty of retrieving your uniform so that you can change. Just use that privacy screen over there." She placed a bundle of clothes into Shepard's arms and, smiling, added a hair-band on top. "I think I got everything."

Returning the smile, Shepard hopped down from the examination table. "Thanks, Doc. I'll go change right now." While Chakwas messaged up to Joker to send the admiral to the med-bay, Shepard ducked behind the privacy screen and began donning her uniform. All the while she wondered what Hackett would say to her once he arrived. He was a reasonable man, so surely he would see the necessity. But what would this mean for her chances of rejoining the Alliance? Even if Hackett approved of her decision, he probably couldn't welcome her back to the Alliance with open arms. A feeling of dread rested in the pit of her stomach.

Before she began buttoning up her uniform jacket, Shepard took a moment to examine the wound under her left rib. A pad of gauze with adhesive tape at the ends covered the suture, which the commander gently peeled back to reveal that Chakwas had done a much better job of stitching the injury than Kenson's lackeys. The edges were puckered and pale around the dull, red line of the cut. Touching the wound softly brought about a muted ache, no doubt lessened by the painkillers she was on, but at least the pain didn't feel sharp. As she thought that she would likely have some sort of scar once it healed, Shepard finished buttoning her uniform and quickly pulled back her hair.

Running her hands across the top of her black tresses one last time to make sure no tendrils poked out unprofessionally, she stepped out from behind the privacy screening. She noticed that Dr. Chakwas stood in the doorway, talking with a tall, older gentleman wearing an Alliance admiral's uniform. Shepard recognized Hackett immediately, but she hung back near the examination table, resting against it as she folded her arms and waited to be acknowledged. Chakwas and the admiral finished their conversation and the doctor gave Shepard one last encouraging look before leaving them alone in the med-bay. Hackett watched her go before he turned his steely gaze on the commander and slowly approached her.

Snapping to attention, Shepard saluted, partly out of reflex and partly for show. The admiral nodded at her in a way that said, "No need for formalities" and she let the salute drop. They stood, staring at one another with vastly different expressions. Shepard tried to suppress her unease, but she knew her face gave off some of her wariness, as if she were approaching a bomb. Hackett, on the other hand, eyed Shepard with an expression of careful consideration, as if he were looking for some kind of indication that she was not really Commander Shepard at all.

Clearing her throat and breaking the silence, Shepard said, "I didn't expect to see you here, Admiral."

His voice was as gruff as usual, just as businesslike as he had always been. "You did this mission as a personal favor to me, Shepard. I figured I would debrief you in person." Then he added after a short pause. "That was before an entire batarian system and a mass relay were destroyed. Care to tell me what happened out there? I knew that you had a history with the batarians... but three hundred thousand dead?"

He knew about her feelings towards the batarians, anyone who had ever served with her did. She remembered once, maybe a few weeks after first meeting Captain Anderson, he had let her look at her own file. He said that he thought all officers should know what was known about them, that they should know the impression they gave others. The experience had been eye-opening in many ways. She'd not been surprised to see that the Blitz took up the majority of her record with notes from military psychologists (none of whom she'd met) who hypothesized how an individual could perform under such stress. All bullshit, of course, but bullshit that her superiors probably believed. Yet, the line that stood out in her mind now was one that read "Shepard seems particularly zealous during missions that involve military action against batarian forces. It is suggested that she be used effectively on missions that require extreme aggressiveness against the batarian hegemony, and absolutely **restricted** from any missions that require diplomatic tact towards the hegemony." Shepard suspected that Hackett wanted that line changed to read, "Just keep Shepard away from batarians unless you want a diplomatic incident."

The commander shook her head slowly and sighed. "The mission went to hell, Sir. You were right about Dr. Kenson uncovering evidence about the Reapers. They were going to invade the entire galaxy if I didn't destroy that relay."

"The Reapers?" Hackett asked, his voice holding a hint of worry. "Tell me everything that happened."

She gave as detailed a recollection as she could, only omitting the hallucinatory dreams from being drugged. The admiral listened with a constant frown on his face, but made no effort to interrupt her. When she finished, she waited for his response and struggled to keep her nervousness under control.

Finally, Hackett said, "You know, Shepard, there are some people in the Alliance who are wary about your return. They were more than happy to use your image after the Battle of the Citadel, but when you returned from the dead... well, let's just say that they're on the fence about what to do with you."

She tensed slightly at that, and eyed the admiral cautiously. She knew after her confrontation with Ashley that the Alliance didn't see her in a favorable light, but were they really afraid of her? Did that fear mean more than her years of service?

Hackett continued as if he hadn't noticed her edginess. "But I remember what you did for the Alliance, Commander." He placed emphasis on the rank. "And I look after my loyal soldiers as much as I can. I believe you when you say that the Reapers are coming, and that we were literally minutes away from having them at our front door. Hell, if I was in charge of the entire Alliance I'd give you a damn medal." He paused and took a deep breath before saying, "But I'm not everyone, and some people aren't going to see what you did as necessary."

Those words certainly stirred up the anxiety in her stomach. She was aware of the tactic he was using; the admiral had a point that he wanted to get to, a point that Shepard would probably not like. So on the one hand he made it clear that he was on her side and that she should trust him - and she admitted that he knew just which strings to pull to achieve that end - and all the while he presented an enemy that they could stand united against. Yet, despite knowing that he was manipulating her to a certain degree, Shepard decided to walk into his plans. She needed to know what the Alliance had planned for her.

"What do you suggest, then?" she asked quietly.

He straightened, hands behind his back and said calmly, "Evidence against you is shoddy, at best. But at some point, you'll have to go to Earth and face the music. I can't stop it... but I can and will make them fight for it."

Shepard could feel her heart pounding in her chest and she swallowed uneasily. "So I become the scapegoat for the Alliance," she whispered.

Admiral Hackett didn't reply - they both knew it was the truth - and they stood in silence for a while.

Then, Shepard took a deep breath, straightening to her full height and said, "If that's what the Alliance asks of me, then I'll stand trial."

Nodding slowly, Hackett answered, "I'm glad to see that you still know where your loyalty lies." He began pacing towards the door, motioning for Shepard to follow. "I understand that your mission out here is done, so there won't be a reason to delay this witch hunt. The Alliance will make the official call soon, and when they do you need to come to Earth with your dress blues on, ready to take the hit."

"Yes, Sir."

They stopped at the door and Hackett turned to face Shepard again. "I know you did the right thing, Commander. I hope you know that too."

Shepard met the stare of his cool, gray eyes without flinching. She knew that she had done the right thing, she just didn't know if she'd done it for the right reasons. After a moment of silence, he nodded to her one last time before he walked out the door and towards the elevator. Shepard watched him go, knowing that she should feel angry or upset after being informed that she would have to stand trial for saving the galaxy, but she just felt tired. So incredibly tired.

~.~.~.~.~

Shepard leaned back against the wall of the elevator and sighed heavily. So much had happened within the last few days and she knew her mind had still not fully processed everything. Yet she was at the brink of physical and mental exhaustion; for a while she didn't want to be Commander Shepard anymore. She was at her wits end with being Commander Shepard - tomorrow would be a different day and she would find a way to shoulder the responsibility, just like she always did, but for now she wanted to pretend that she was someone else. She let her head rest against the wall and closed her eyes, trying not to think about anything, but failing.

After Admiral Hackett had left, Dr. Chakwas had returned and proceeded to evaluate Shepard's health. She didn't ask what the admiral had said to the commander or pry into any details of what had happened in the Bahak system. Shepard found herself incredibly grateful to the woman for that. Once Chakwas had determined that the commander was well enough to leave the med-bay, she gave Shepard permission to go to her room and rest, with only a wag of her finger not to engage in any kind of intense physical activity. Shepard promised to behave as the doctor walked her to the elevator.

When the doors opened, Chakwas said, "Go straight to your room and get some rest. Everything else can wait." Then she flashed a knowing smile, which Shepard didn't understand, and walked back to the med-bay.

Sighing again, the commander's thoughts drifted to the trial, and the charges that might be brought against her. Her spectre status would protect her from a lot of a backlash, but not from everything. Obviously genocide would be on the table, along with working with a terrorist organization. Yet, if she played her cards right, she might be able to use the media attention to gain support for the fight against the Reapers. If she could gather enough evidence to present during the trial, then she could sway public opinion in her favor. She would ask Miranda to start building a database and network for compiling evidence, and then ask Mordin if his contacts in the STG could...

_Stop_! her brain screamed and she shook her head violently. _Just stop. I don't want to think about this now. Why can't I just stop planning ahead for one goddamn minute? I should be feeling _something,_ damn it! I killed three hundred thousand people! Instead I'm just planning how I can use this trial to my advantage! What's wrong with me?_

The doors opened and she shuffled across the narrow hall to her quarters. All she wanted to do was take a hot shower and collapse onto her bed, but when she walked into her room she found someone sitting at her desk. Although the person's back was to her, Shepard immediately recognized Liara's silhouette as the asari tapped away at her omni-tool. Blinking rapidly, the commander thought she must be hallucinating and her voice got caught in her throat, coming out as a strangled gasp. Liara turned, training her blue eyes on the dark haired woman and a smile of relief formed on her lips. She jumped to her feet and threw her arms around Shepard before the dark haired woman could even react.

"Thank the Goddess you are alright, Shepard," Liara said as she buried her face against the commander's shoulder. "Dr. Chakwas said you would be fine, but... I was so worried."

Shepard slowly wrapped her arms around Liara's lithe frame, not entirely sure if she had lost her mind. Yet, the feel of the asari's body pressed against hers felt right and solid, making her conclude that she was not imagining it. Still shocked, Shepard sputtered, "W-what are you doing here, Liara?" Her lover drew back to look into Shepard's eyes though she kept her arms draped around Shepard's shoulders. "Not that I'm not glad to see you," the commander added hastily.

"Joker called me," Liara explained. "Right after you left the Bahak system. He told me you were injured and that the mass relay had been destroyed. He offered to swing by Hagalaz and pick me up. I thought you might... I wanted to be here for you."

So that was why Chakwas had told her to go straight to her room and given her that knowing smile. And the comment about engaging in intense physical exercise... Shepard almost groaned at the realization.

"I got here before Admiral Hackett arrived a couple of hours ago," Liara went on. "What did he say to you?" Suddenly she shook her head as if she had misspoke and said, "What am I saying? I should be asking how you are. Are you feeling ok? Chakwas let me stay with you a while in the med-bay, but when Hackett came she suggested that I stay out of sight so that he did not start wondering why I was here. The Alliance probably thinks I am still a broker on Illium. They probably should not know about my new job... And they never knew about us..." The asari realized that she was talking rather fast and rambling. She took a breath to steady herself. "Are you tired? Do you need to rest? Is there anything I can get you?"

Shepard couldn't help smiling at Liara's franticness. It reminded her of when they had first met. "I'm alright," she assured Liara. "I'm glad you're here."

Liara smiled back and leaned in to rest her head on Shepard's shoulder again. "I am glad that you are safe," she whispered.

The pair stood like that for a while, content in the moment, until Shepard finally broke the silence. "The Alliance wants me to stand trial, Liara. For what happened in the Bahak system." She felt relieved that her voice only quivered slightly.

Pulling back, eyes wide, Liara said, "They want to put you on trial? After everything you have done for them?"

"I killed three hundred thousand people," Shepard said, trying to sound as reasonable as possible. "They need someone to take the blame so that the batarians don't start an intergalactic war."

Shepard told Liara everything that happened, including the nightmares she'd had. When she was done, Liara said, "You did what you had to, Shepard. You should not be punished for saving the entire galaxy!"

"I know I did what I had to," Shepard said quietly. "But just because I had to do it doesn't mean I was in the right... I don't think I did it for the right reasons, Liara. I didn't feel anything for the batarians I killed. I still don't. Not even a hint of remorse." Averting her eyes, she added, "I'm afraid that... if I had been given the choice and the Reapers hadn't been involved at all... I'm afraid I might have been tempted to do it anyway."

Placing a hand against Shepard's cheek and redirecting her face so that Liara could look into her eyes, the asari said, "I know you have struggled with your feelings for the batarians before, but I think you are letting how you feel get in the way of the facts."

"But that's the thing, Liara!" Shepard replied, exasperation in her voice. "I don't feel anything, and it worries me! How would you feel if you killed three hundred thousand people? Even if you didn't have a choice? Wouldn't you feel something? Anything? I just... I don't care! What does that say about me?"

Liara surprised her by whispering, "You are not doing this trial because you think you deserve to be punished, are you?"

Shepard actually had to think for a moment. Was she hoping the trial would make her feel some kind of guilt? What were her reasons for allowing herself to be dragged into this? Finally she answered, "No. Even if I had enough shame to turn myself in because I thought I deserved to answer for my crimes, that's not why I agreed to participate. I agreed because it is what the Alliance asks of me."

"Because the Alliance asks it of you," Liara repeated with a frown. "And at what point will you say no to the Alliance? At what point will they have asked too much?"

Recoiling in defense, Shepard answered, "I'm an Alliance marine, Liara. I will do whatever the Alliance asks of me. I owe them that much."

"What do you mean, you owe them that much?"

Shepard blinked at the question. She'd never thought about it before; it had always been so obvious to her that she owed the Alliance for everything. She'd never seen a reason to analyze the basis for it. "They saved me," she said. "They gave me a purpose after Mindoir. They gave me someone to be."

Liara obviously didn't like what she was hearing because her frowned deepened and she crossed her arms beneath her breasts. "I know you put a lot of stock in being a marine, Shepard, but it is not the only thing you are. Even if you were not a soldier, you would still be you."

A sudden itch in the back of her brain made Shepard grind her teeth irritably. "No, I wouldn't," she argued. "I'm Commander Shepard because of the Alliance. I don't want to be someone else. I don't want to be the alternative." As she dragged the words out, her irritation grew until she was aware of the anger stirring in her heart. Anger at what she was admitting, and that she was being made to admit it.

"And what exactly is the alternative?"

"It's complicated," Shepard said dismissively. Then pointing to the chair at her desk she added, "Mind if I sit?"

Liara moved aside so that Shepard could lower herself into the chair, but her arms remained crossed and she looked determined to get the truth out of the commander. Pretending not to notice, Shepard leaned on the right side armrest so that as little pressure would be on her left side as possible. Now it was Liara's turn to sound irritated. "You always do this Shepard. You get angry at yourself for losing control, but when I ask you a personal question to try to help you, you avoid the question."

She knew Liara was right. But it wasn't in Shepard's nature to drop her defenses. "I hardly think my feelings about the Alliance have anything to do with my feelings about batarians," she replied dryly.

Pursing her lips disapprovingly, Liara said, "I think they _are_ related. How you view yourself affects how you deal with the batarians."

"You know we have a psychologist on the ship for that sort of thing."

"Who you will not say more than two words to because you are afraid that she is going to analyze you," Liara snapped back. Then, making her voice gentler she added, "Shepard, I am asking you to talk about this because I love you. I am tired of watching you hate yourself for how you react around batarians, and I am tired of you bowing to the Alliance's beck and call regardless of how they treat you. You deserve better than you are getting."

Not saying anything, Shepard tapped her fingers on the armrest. She knew that Liara would not drop the subject until she dragged the truth out of the commander, and avoiding the question would be a waste of time. Yet, she had no idea how she could explain her obligation to the Alliance to another person. The military gave her the roots she would otherwise lack. The stability of routine and the opportunity to be who she needed to be.

"You said you did not want to be the alternative," Liara pressed. "What is the alternative?" 

Sighing, Shepard said, "The alternative is being who I was after Mindoir. For those two years before I enlisted. The scared kid without a home, a family, or anything to call her own. The kid who couldn't protect her family; who couldn't even protect herself." Narrowing her eyes she asked, "Have you ever wondered why I've never asked you to call me by my first name? Why I don't let anyone call me by that name?"

Blinking in confusion, Liara uncrossed her arms. "I guess I have wondered about it before... but I always figured you were just accustomed to using your last name."

"I am accustomed to my last name now. I discarded my first name a long time ago. In my mind... Sophia is the girl who watched her family die on Mindoir, and couldn't do anything to stop it. She's the girl the Alliance rescued. For me, Sophia died on Mindoir with her family. I remember her, just like I remember her father, her mother, her sister and brothers... and I fight for them; I fight to avenge them, but I'm not that girl anymore. Sometimes I think I am, but I'm not." She shook her head sadly. "I'm Commander Shepard. And Commander Shepard protects people like Sophia - she isn't like them though. And I'm only Commander Shepard because of the Alliance. They gave me that identity. The names that people call me... they're all a result of the identity that the Alliance gave me." She took a deep breath to still the shaking that had begun in her hands. "So, you want to know why I'll do whatever the Alliance asks. I'll do it because I want to be a part of the Alliance again. I want to be a part of the Alliance because I'm afraid of losing my identity. Because I don't want to be anyone else."

Shepard expected Liara to tell her that she was crazy. That her words were proof that she needed the psychiatric help that had been shoved in her face ever since the age of sixteen. But the asari's face remained neutral as if the words caused her no real surprise. In contrast, Shepard's confusion must have been plain on her face because Liara smiled warmly and said, "Did you think I would not understand? Unfortunately, I know all too well the feeling you are talking about. For the first few decades of my life I was Benezia's daughter; that was an identity forced upon me before I had any control over my fate. I gave up that identity for a different one. I did not want to be who I was, so I became a prothean expert and removed myself from the people of my past." She knelt down by the chair and took the hand in Shepard's lap in her own blue hands, looking up into the commander's face with sympathetic eyes. "And then I met you, and I became someone else again. Those other two identities were still a part of me, but I was not the same person anymore. And then I changed yet again, and now I am the Shadow Broker. But I think I will probably change again in the future. The identities I hope to have vary - part of me wants to reclaim some of my lost identities, like studying the protheans again, and another part of me wants to venture out towards a completely new identity: wife, mother..." The warmth and sincerity in Liara's eyes felt so genuine to Shepard that the commander nearly forgot to breathe. "And I do not know what all those identities will entail, but I will learn when the time comes."

Squeezing Shepard's hand, Liara continued, "So, I know how you feel. You are afraid of who you will be if you let go of the Alliance. You think it is better to hold on to the known identity, even if it means the Alliance has the power to hurt you whenever they choose, because you figure that it is better than walking towards the unknown. And I cannot say what the future will hold, but I do think the person you will become in the coming months will be even more amazing than who you are now. I believe that the people of the galaxy will end up owing their existence to you. Maybe there will be a way to be an Alliance marine again, and maybe you will have to give up the Alliance altogether, but I can promise you that you will not have to give up everything. Sophia will still be a part of you, but maybe you will not feel a need to constantly avenge her. Your training will still be a part of you, but maybe you will use it for something greater than the Alliance ever imagined. I know that the coming months will be dark, but I want you to walk towards them with hope."

Looking down into Liara's deep, blue eyes Shepard felt a smile tug at the corners of her lips. "Are you sure you're not a matriarch, Liara? 'Cause that sounded awfully wise to me."

Laughing, Liara shook her head. "I am quite sure." Then, kissing the back of Shepard's hand, she added, "I think Dr. Chakwas would be upset with me if she found out I was lecturing you instead of letting you rest. You should get some sleep. We can talk about the trial later."

Shepard rose to her feet and pulled Liara along as well. Still holding the asari's hand she asked, "Will you be here when I wake?"

Leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on the commander's lips, Liara whispered, "Always."

**~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.**

**Wow, what a long chapter. It feels like this took forever to write, especially since I had to work on it in-between everything else I have going on right now. Not to mention that I was aware that this was the last chapter of this story and I hate to see things end. At least I can say that I'm happy with how this story turned out and I learned a lot about this Shepard, not to mention got to practice some different writing techniques.**

**So, the reason I needed to put this author's note at the end was primarily because I wanted to say something about the main conflict of this story. I ran this particular Shepard through the Arrival DLC before writing this chapter, which was a mistake because when I got to the only decision in the DLC (whether to warn the colonists) I sat there for almost five minutes crippled with indecision. I literally couldn't decide what this Shepard would do. I think part of me might have known, but I hadn't written the story out yet. I ended up warning the colonists because that's what I WANTED Shepard to do. I desperately wanted Shepard to overcome her own hatred and win that battle with herself. It wasn't until I wrote this chapter that I realized that was wishful thinking on my part. And a lot of things surprised me about this chapter. This Shepard has really grown since when I first imagined her. The only things I knew about her when I created her was that she would be extremely professional, like poetry, dislike batarians because of her past on Mindoir, and be devoted to the Alliance. Imagine my surprise when I discovered via this chapter that she may be rejecting the Alliance come ME3. Yet, her ability to surprise me and take on a life of her own actually makes her close to my heart, and I can't wait to see what ME3 holds for her. As Liara might say, I have great hopes for her future.**

**I guess I should also explain why I gave Shep that wicked wound. Two reasons really. One, at the end of the DLC Shep is in the med-bay, so I got around to wondering why that was. Then two, I figured that if Shep went into this mission solo, she was probably gonna take a beating. I mean, I've gotten to the point in Mass Effect where the game is ridiculously easy for me, and when Arrival came out I have to admit it had me sweating bullets at some points. Not having my squadmates proved quite difficult at times. It was also a convenient plot device, so there's that as well.**

**While I am sad to see this story come to its conclusion ****-**** at least until ME3 ****-**** I am also pleased with the feedback I have received and that others have shared this adventure with me. I want to take a moment to sincerely thank everyone who read this story, regardless of whether they reviewed, because a story is just empty words without people to share it with. And to those who have reviewed, I must thank you a second time because you took the time to share with me in return. I really do appreciate your willingness to share with me what you have felt or thought.**

**Since I suspect people will ask me whether I plan to continue writing about these characters, my honest answer is I really don't know. I plan to pick up where this story left off after ME3 comes out, but as for other stories in the meantime, I just don't know. I have considered looking at different parts of Shepard's life or even trying to imagine the future after the Reapers are gone, but I remain undecided. This may be the last thing from me for a while, although I will still lurk around the site reading anything that peaks my interest. As always, I welcome any kind of feedback, positive or negative, and I love to discuss writing and will gladly answer any questions posed.**

**With kindest regards,**

**N.Q. Wilder**


End file.
